Dr. Richard Phillips
In his letter to the Ephesians, the apostle Paul gives one of my favorite expressions for Christian holiness: “Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children; and walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour” (Eph. 5:1–2). A little further down, Paul gives another priceless call to Christian sanctification: “Walk as children of light” (Eph. 5:8). Here, in beautiful apostolic eloquence, we read both the why and the how of Christian holiness. First, and most important, is the why: as beloved children of God and in light of Christ’s sacrificial love for us. In other words, we are to live pure and holy lives because of who we are to God, “children of light,” and in light of what Christ has done for us. Second, there is the how: by imitating God and by walking in love.
The Urgency of Sexual Purity
I consider Paul’s teaching in Ephesians 5 to be a natural place to consider the topic of sexual chastity in general, and among Christian singles in particular. My reason will be plain to anyone who simply reads the chapter. For Paul goes on to cite a litany of examples of the lifestyles that should be unthinkable to God’s people, and at the head of the list Paul cites sexual impurity: “But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints” (Eph. 5:3).
Why, many will wonder, does Paul rank sexual impurity so highly on his list of unthinkable sins? Some may argue that this must have been a special problem among the Ephesian church. But, in his other lists of deadly sins, Paul also places sexual sin first (see 1 Cor. 6:9 –11, Gal. 5:19 – 21, and 1 Thess. 4:3). In his opinion—more than that, in God’s eyes as revealed to us through Paul—sexual immorality is so antithetical to a Christian profession of faith that the two simply may not be considered together: “For this ye know,” he writes, “that no whoremonger, nor unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, hath any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God” (Eph. 5:5).
Isn’t this a little over the top? Isn’t greed a more harmful sin? Isn’t pride, as C.S. Lewis said, “the anti-God state of mind”? “We know it’s wrong to have sex outside of marriage,” some say, “but is it so evil to share physical love with another lonely soul?” In answering this, I want to steer clear of the idea that virginity is the sum and substance of all holiness. Nor would I want to downplay the deadliness of sins of malice on a personal or societal level. But if the Bible is to be our guide, we need to take note of the precedence given to sexual sin in the New Testament. According to the Bible, sexual immorality is a very grave sin that strikes at the core of the Christian spirit of holiness. Moreover, since sinful sensuality happens to be at the very heart of popular Western idolatry today, our witness as followers of Christ amounts to little if we are unable to rise above the low level of self-control on display around us. Therefore, the issue of sexual purity is a very grave one among Christians of all kinds—especially singles—and a vital one for our witness to the gospel.
Sex and Dating
In my experience, both as a Christian who married at age thirty-two and a pastor to single Christians for several years, very few Christian singles are engaged in the kind of rampant, casual sexual immorality common to the broader culture. (If you are, then please read 1 Corinthians chapters 5–6, turn to our Savior for forgiveness, and seek the grace to repent, which He will surely give.) Instead, most sexual sin among Christians takes place in the context of dating relationships.
There are a number of reasons why Christians fall into sexual sin during dating. First, many of us were converted as young adults, and the habits of sexual sin were long formed before we turned to Christ. Therefore, our ideas of dating simply involve a fair amount of sexual contact. Second, single adults have sex drives just like everyone else. Therefore, as a dating relationship becomes more emotionally close, the combination of sexual desires and emotional intimacy lead into sexual sin all too naturally (and quickly).
But a Christian approach to dating differs from the society’s approach most directly when it comes to sexuality. For most people today, intimacy means little more than having sex. Couples meet and immediately begin sleeping together. To do otherwise is to go against nature, they assume, and certainly against our cultural expectations. Moreover, they believe that sex will serve as a foundation for love. This goes a long way towards explaining why so many marriages, built on no stronger foundation than sexual thrills, end in divorce soon after the flames of passion have died down.
Similar thoughts influence Christian singles. They desire a love relationship, and it was God who gave this desire. Perhaps, they are tempted to think, this cause of marriage will be advanced by cutting the corners on obedience to God’s Word. Moreover, their sexual desires are tugging at them, especially in opportune settings. But while it may be understandable that people with no relationship to God fall into the trap of sexual sin, for Christians to dishonor their love relationship and to offend God’s holy nature in this way should be unthinkable. God gave sex to be the servant of love and never its master. Therefore, sexual intimacy must always flow from the love commitment of marriage and from the holy love of our heavenly Father.
Sexual sin will damage and often ruin a promising dating relationship. As soon as a couple becomes sexually involved, they usually cease developing other, more foundational forms of intimacy—the kinds of intimacy needed for a healthy marriage. After all, if you are sleeping together, you are not likely to spend much time learning something of the personality and character of the person who, somewhat seriously, has caught your interest.
But Christian singles fall into sexual sin for a number of reasons. They let their guard down. They toy with temptation. Some think it really isn’t so great a sin. Others don’t understand that their sinful sexual experiences will come with them into marriage. Still others—many others, I am afraid—enter into sexual sin in dating for the simple reason that they have not taken the disciplined steps needed for their relationship to remain sexually pure.
The Basic Approach to Sexual Purity
There is no substitute for basic practices of Christian discipline when it comes to sexual purity. This means that Christian singles should never place themselves in compromising situations. Married Christians, by the way, need to do the same. Being resolved to honor God and protect our marriage, neither I nor my wife permit ourselves to be in relationships or situations where adultery might become a temptation. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled; but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.”
“Flee fornication,” Paul urges us (1 Cor. 6:18). The only way to handle sexual temptation is not to toy with it but flee from it. We are to avoid or leave compromising situations and, like Joseph from the arms of Potiphar’s wife, we are to do so immediately. This means that a dating couple has no reason to be alone in an apartment, much less the bedroom, especially at tempting times such as the evening hours. Dating couples should not engage in activities proper only for married couples, such as going on an overnight trip. This is what Solomon was talking about when he wrote the proverb, “Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?” (Prov. 6:27). The answer is well known to all who have tried.
How Far Is Too Far?
One typical mistake made by Christian singles is to ask “How far can we go?” The very question reveals a problem. But since so many wonder, the most honest response to the Bible’s teaching is to abstain from all sexual intimacy prior to marriage. Too many Christians believe that so long as full-scale sexual intercourse is resisted, other forms of sexual interaction are acceptable. But this is neither wise nor consistent with the Bible’s teaching.
Consider 1 Thessalonians 4:3–5, which says, “For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: that every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God.” Does that sound like we should be asking, “How far can we go?” At the heart of such teaching is that Christians should cultivate, not undermine, bodily self-control. Christians are to treat their bodies as objects of honor before the holy God who sees sexual intimacy as a high and holy gift. Should we toy with sex? Or would it not be much better to treat our own body—and the body of our dating partner—as a holy and honored object, not to be used for unconsecrated pleasure?
The message to Christian singles is clear: God calls you to abstain from sex, not to toy with it. In doing so, you cultivate a holy relationship that is focused on pleasing God—a characteristic that is essential to a godly marriage—and you give honor to yourself and your partner. If you find it necessary to engage in sex—and you may think that you do—then you should get married (see 1 Cor. 7:9). Not that you should “just get married in order to have sex,” but you should devote yourself to the committed love that God desires to result in marriage, one of the benefits of which is the privilege of sexual union.
Calling Christian Men
Just as God calls the man to lead the marital relationship, God calls men to take the lead in the sexual purity of a dating relationship. In this way, a man begins to love his potential bride as Christ loved the church, presenting her undefiled to the Lord (Eph. 5:25–27).
Lust is a major problem for single men, and many Christian men struggle with the temptations of pornography and other sexual sins. In this way, they dishonor God, grieve the Holy Spirit, and largely ruin their witness of the gospel before the world. According to the Bible, such men need to pursue marriage with a godly woman (see again 1 Cor. 7:9). This is God’s provision for a healthy sex drive.
The problem is that many single Christian men are simply too selfish, spiritually immature, or emotionally wounded to step forward into marriage. Biblically considered, a man who is not prepared for a relationship to grow into marriage should not date; conversely, a Christian man who dates should accept that the proper aim of a dating relationship is marital union. God wants our sexual needs to motivate us toward marriage. Marriage is never a cure-all to our problems, but it happens to be God’s particular provision for a man’s need of companionship and sexual fulfillment, as well as a divinely ordained context for spiritual growth. As God said back at the beginning, “It is not good that the man should be alone” (Gen. 2:18).
Godly male leadership is also essential during the dating process. A Christian man should be up-front about his commitment to sexual purity and should actively take steps to avoid sexual impurity. This means that he should take the lead in ensuring the couple is never in a situation that is calculated towards sexual sin. A Christian man should always look upon his dating partner as his potential wife and the potential mother of his children (or else the wife of another Christian brother, who may well be dating his potential wife at that very moment). He should put her spiritual well-being ahead of his own desires at all times. In other words, he should love her. He should love his future marriage. He should love his future children. And, above all, he should love God and the witness of His gospel in our sexually depraved world.
But how will a woman feel about this? She will feel cherished! She will feel safe. She will feel pure before God. And she will feel love for such a Christian man. But if a Christian man is not committed to taking the lead in the purity of their dating relationship, she should follow the Bible’s teaching and flee. A man who is not willing to take active steps to foster a godly, healthy dating relationship is not likely to do better with the greatly more demanding challenges of marriage.
Sons and Daughters of God
Remember Paul’s teaching in Ephesians 5? Christians are sons and daughters of the holy God. They are beloved of the Lord, who will take care of all His children’s needs. Therefore, it is essential that Christian singles “walk in love” according to God’s Word. Love your Christian brother or sister by protecting him or her from sexual sin. Love your godly dreams of a holy marriage by preserving the purity of your love. Love your unbelieving friends and neighbors by showing them an example of God’s living grace. And love your faithful God enough to trust Him to provide for you, as you walk in the light of His grace and power.
Published by The Banner of Sovereign Grace Truth, used with permission.