Mutual Debts in Marriage Part 2

Dr. Peter Masters

The Duty of Spiritual Care

Our fourth obligation in this sevenfold debt is that of spiritual care. God will hold us responsible for the level of spiritual care we give. This begins with prayer for each other, and prayer begins with praise. If we sincerely praise and thank God for our husband or wife, we will be unlikely to fall into foolish, selfish feelings of bitterness against one another. As far as possible we should perceive the good in each other, and pray for each other’s well-being, spiritual blessing, health, happiness and success in work, parenting and service for the Lord. Thank God for first love, and every major blessing experienced together along the journey of life. Then read the Word together and speak of spiritual things.

Husbands, wives, do you talk about spiritual things? It can so easily happen between husbands and wives, after a few years, that they come to know each other’s views so well that they have nothing left to say to each other. Accordingly, conversation becomes restricted to earthly needs. Nevertheless, we have a debt, a duty to stir up good spiritual interest and discussion. This may range across specific topics and doctrines, or the needs of God’s cause either in our own church, or nationally, or overseas, or it may be about trends which must be prayerfully responded to, or our own efforts to reach and intercede for certain people. Supremely, we are to encourage each other in dedication and devotion to Christ, and appreciation of his power and purposes.

The Other’s Service

Our fifth obligation in the sevenfold debt is to enable or potentiate the spiritual service of the other. A husband must say, ‘I have to facilitate spiritual service for us both.’ Paul says, ‘Ye are bought with a price; be not ye the servants of men,’ and he is addressing both free citizens and slaves. Clearly he does not mean that slaves should abandon the masters who owned them, but that as willing bondslaves of Christ, their highest priority, whatever their situation, is to be of service to him.

We ‘serve’ employers, our families, our homes, but for both husband and wife our highest priority is the service of Christ. Often a husband is engaged in the Lord’s service, and is very occupied, blessed, greatly appreciated and fulfilled. But what about his wife? What has he done to enable her to be useful to the Lord beyond the care of the family? We have a debt to assist each other in this, and not to deny the other the full purpose of their salvation.

Sometimes neither husband nor wife are useful to God, because they have wanted too much from the material world, perhaps too expensive a car or home, or too high a station in life, so that all their strength and effort goes into business, advancement and accumulation. They have done very well financially, but neither is really serving the Lord, or maybe only one is, because they have not aimed at the right goal. If they had not been so ambitious, or drawn into worldly advancement, they would have been able to dedicate more time to seek avenues of Christian service in the church. How much happier they would have been! Far better not to have quite such a dizzy position in life, and to be in the service of Christ.

Husbands should say, ‘My great aim is to facilitate Christian service for us both, not just to please myself.’ While the Lord has ordained headship in the family, both husband and wife are equal in his sight, and one should not discount and be indifferent to the calling of the other.

A Duty to Give Pleasure

Our sixth obligation in the sevenfold debt is to give pleasure to each other. ‘Do I make my wife or my husband happy?’ This is an essential part of the benevolence which is due. ‘Do I make life agreeable?’ ‘Do I give companionship and friendship, saying good things, bringing good news and speaking of heartwarming matters?’

‘Or am I at the other extreme, so busy that I do not give him or her a second’s thought or a minute’s time? We seldom talk substantially or lift each other’s feelings and hopes.’ This would be a terrible situation! Let us ask ourselves, ‘Do I give friendship, or do I inflict heavy moods on my wife or husband?’

Couples do, of course, share burdens, this being one of the blessings and privileges of marriage. But they must not do this all the time, for that would be intolerably selfish. If a husband off-loaded his troubles and fears perpetually, always grumbling and groaning, or if his wife did so, life would never be happy, and one would never be a welcome person to the other. The sharing of troubles has to be rationed. Think of something good for a change; something nice. Never rehearse aches and pains at length. Shoulder the burden if you can with the Lord’s help, and do not unfairly expect the other to have to bear the burden. Remember we have a mutual duty of encouragement, to lift each other up, as a debt due in marriage.

A Duty to Shape

Our seventh obligation in the sevenfold mutual debt due in marriage is the duty to shape each other. Please note, it is a duty to shape each other. If the shaping is in one direction only, then it is an imposition, a heavy load and a painful experience. If he is always putting her straight, or she is always putting him straight, and it is not a sensitive mutual activity, it is likely to produce arrogance in the one and bitterness in the other. We are to influence each other’s behaviour with courtesy, kindness and gentleness, meekly taking the shaping as well as imparting it.

Martin Luther famously called marriage the school for character, and so it is. Are we too proud to accept advice and help from our spouse? Or do we complain of the behaviour of husband or wife out of ill temper, or unreasonable impatience? Shaping must be effected with patience, because many of the complaints people have against each other should never be raised, but covered with love and forgetfulness.

There is usually a wide gap between every husband and wife in terms of their gifts as well as the way they think. They have their strengths in different areas, and they have different personalities. We obviously need great affection and also great patience with each other. If one is constantly irritated by the other it is probably due to pride; an ugly and intolerant pride which fails to recognise the other’s gifts, capabilities, sensitivities and discernment, and which cannot adjust to reasonable human variations. Let us pray to get rid of this pride in marriage, for it is a deadly spoiler, and let us learn to love even perceived innocent imperfections of manner and thought.

Our Incentive

Debts, duties, and obligations are the essence of due benevolence. Notice again the deliberately cumbersome form of words used by Paul – ‘Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.’ It is a two-way debt.

We conclude with a further reference to 1 Corinthians 7.23 – ‘Ye are bought with a price; be not ye the servants of men.’ Here is the great incentive for paying our mutual debts, so that our marriage union may be deep and beautiful, and instrumental in the service of Christ. We were slaves to condemnation and to hell, and to increasing inward corruption, and to twisted, false ideas. We were slaves to ultimate tragedy and loss, and yet we were purchased out of it all.

Suppose you ran a business, which was not a limited liability company, and so you were unable to escape from your debts. You owned it wholly, but the business failed and sank into serious debt. You were about to be made bankrupt and lose your business, your home, and everything else. But then someone came along (it would never happen in real life) and just because they felt sorry for you, they said, ‘I will buy your business.’ Your business was worthless, you owed so much, but your benefactor said, ‘I will buy it for the value of the debt, however great, so that your record is clean. I know I am paying vastly over the odds for the business, but not only will I buy it, I will buy you much better premises and set you up again, no matter what the cost.’

‘But I failed,’ you would reply, ‘I was a failure in my business.’ ‘Nevertheless,’ insisted the benefactor, ‘I will rescue you.’

Christ has purchased us out of eternal debt. We have been freed from condemnation, and given an altogether better life, and a glorious eternal home, by the precious blood of Christ. How readily we should now pay our due debts to the one God has given us for the journey of life – our very own wife or our very own husband. Are we meeting our obligations? May the Lord bless and enable us to do so.