Dr. Joel R. Beeke

Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.
—Proverbs 31:30

1: The age of teaching

Whether your children are toddlers or in their late teens, it is never too early or too late to begin teaching modesty. There used to be a day when it seemed that children could be children and the worries of sexual temptation and modesty belonged to their adolescent or even later years. But those days have long passed, and the times we find ourselves in call parents to be pro-active early on. Many of the battles of adolescence are won or lost in childhood. Our children are being bombarded with the immodesty of our culture from earliest years. In recent years, a major fashion company tried to market thongs to three-year-olds! Children’s underwear designers have printed sexual innuendos on clothing. Movies directed at children often show gross immodesty. Toddlers are entered into beauty contests. Teenagers as young as fifteen are becoming sex symbols and idols in contemporary magazines, television shows, and other media. Some secular sociologists are arguing that the world of fashion is attempting to make “younger sexier,” crossing the threshold of adulthood to the preteen and teen years.

Today it is never too early to start teaching our children about modesty and propriety. If we begin to teach our young children to dress in a way that exalts Jesus Christ, we will instill in them deep and strong convictions that they can carry into their teenage and adult years.

2: Reflect modest femininity

Deciding what is appropriate for your daughter to wear requires discretion and wisdom. Some clothing clearly shouldn’t be worn while other clothing may be permissible and obviously good. Two biblical guidelines help us navigate this field. The first biblical principle is that our daughters are to dress in a way that reflects their femininity. We implicitly draw this principle from creation. God created humans as male and female. This distinction, while not teaching inferiority, needs to be maintained. This is just one more reason that homosexuality is wrong. Homosexuality destroys the biblical distinctions between male and female; God created the woman for the man. Gender distinction should also be maintained in the way one dresses. Broadly speaking, women are to wear feminine clothes and men are to wear masculine clothes. Paul, giving us an example for corporate worship, commands women to wear head-coverings so as not to bring dishonor to their husbands (1 Cor. 11). Likewise, men are commanded to not have long hair. When deciding what is appropriate for your daughter to wear, it is necessary to keep gender distinctions in mind.

A second biblical guideline is that the feminine dress of our daughters must be chaste and reflect reverence toward God. The manner of dress should not be a stumbling block to others. This can be a difficult issue, because these terms—chaste, reverence, and stumbling block—can be interpreted subjectively. Perhaps they are difficult to define because we are approaching this issue from the wrong end. The question of wearing modest clothing should not be, “Is this modest enough?” That is similar to asking, “When it comes to modesty, what can I get away with before it is considered immodest?” This mindset pushes the boundaries of freedom. It is asking, “How close can I get to the fire without getting burned or burning someone else?” Rather, we should always have the good of others in mind. Instead of asking such questions, we need to teach our daughters to ask, “How does this outfit respect the conscience of my Christian brothers?” or “How does this dress reflect my commitment to chastity until marriage?”

Following these two biblical principles of gender distinctive clothing and the best interest of others, we can safely assume that some articles of clothing clearly should not be worn. Any article of clothing that sends the wrong message to others should be avoided.

3: Be an Example

It is important for our daughters to have an example of modesty. Mothers, this task primarily falls to you. One of the devastating effects of contemporary culture is that many mothers are caught in the web of immodesty. The lies our daughters have bought into have affected mothers as well. Many parents are reluctant to approach their children on this subject because they know that they too struggle with outward appearance, and place far too much security in their looks. But mothers, you have a wonderful opportunity to reflect to your daughters the joy of submitting to God in every area of your life. You have a God-given task to teach your daughters the value of modesty, the beauty of purity, and the joy of glorifying God in every area of your life. Your daughters are watching you. They are examining what you are wearing. They are following your lead.

Fathers, you have a role in being an example as well. Your daughters look to you to know how a gentleman is supposed to react to their clothes. If you pass over what your daughter wears without noticing, without commendation or without admonition if it is needed, she will go elsewhere to have these needs met. Your daughters will also observe the way you respect your wife. If you don’t show her gratitude and let your children know that you think she’s beautiful, they will take notice. Fathers, you have the opportunity to be an important voice of affirmation in the lives of your daughters long before any other suitor comes along. You also have the opportunity to show how you value your wife’s modest apparel and treasure her inward character. The way you treat your wife and other women will have a huge influence on your daughters.

Conclusion

Beauty is often defined wrongly; we live in a culture that has twisted its meaning. We must find the source and definition of beauty in the gospel of Jesus Christ alone. In the gospel, God shows us how He views beauty. He sees beauty as a reflection of Himself, in and through the person and work of Jesus Christ. The gospel must define beauty and then determine our actions. The Puritan Vincent Alsop put it this way, “Look into the Gospel wardrobe. Christ has provided complete apparel to clothe you, as well as complete armor to define you; and He commands you to put on both.”¹

When we encourage our daughters and sons to dress modestly, we are not asking them to try to look homely! We are asking them to allow the beauty of Christ to shine through their inward character. We are asking them to find true beauty in Christ and not be enslaved to cultural perversions of beauty and handsomeness. We are holding our children to the God-given task of glorifying Him in every way. Modesty is an issue of the heart. We need to be examples and encouragers for our children as this war is waged within them.

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1. Quoted in Robert G. Spinney, “Too Much, Too Little, Too Tight,” in A Theology of the Family, ed. Jeff Pollard and Scott T. Brown (Wake Forest, N.C.: NCFIC, 2014), 642.

Published by The Banner of Sovereign Grace Truth, used with permission.