Richard Steele

Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself (Ephesians 5:33a).

This brings us to the effects of the husband’s love to his wife, which is the third thing to be described.

And they are 1. In word:

(1) By diligent instruction of his wife, wherein she is ignorant: He ought to “dwell with his wife according to knowledge” (1Pe 3:7). And she ought to “ask her husband at home,” when she would learn and not “speak in the church” (1Co 14:35)…For this the husband hath excellent opportunity, and woe to him if he [lacks] will or skill!…This is certain: if he can do her soul good, he lays an eternal obligation upon her to love and honor him. If he neglects his endeavors, she will be likely to curse him forever in hell!

(2) The husband demonstrates his love by gentle reproof of his wife, when she doeth amiss: He must indeed overlook many infirmities, for love “shall cover the multitude of sins” (1Pe 4:8). As he that is always using his sword will make it dull at length, so he that is continually reproving shall have the less regard given to his reproofs. Yet he cannot love her, if he do not, when need is, reprove her. But, let it be with all the wisdom and tenderness imaginable: not before strangers and rarely before the family; not for natural defects, seldom for inadvertencies.⁴⁵ When he does it, let him make way for his reproof by commending in her what is good; and when he hath done, back it with a reason. He must be sure to mingle the oil of kindness with the myrrh of reproof. For if he gives her this potion too hot, the operation is hindered and his labor worse than lost…Sooner or later, if she be not brutish, she will be thankful and amend.

(3) The husband’s love must be demonstrated by ready encouragement of his wife, when she doeth well: “Her husband also, and he praiseth her” (Pro 31:28). He that is discreet and faithful herein perhaps taketh the readiest way to do her good…

2. The effects of a husband’s love to his wife must be in deed also:

(1) By making provision for her of what is necessary and also of what is convenient for her according to his ability: “Her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish” (Exo 31:10). Not that she hath any privilege to be maintained in idleness or, like a drone, live upon the industry of her husband without adding her helping hand. But the main care hereof must lie upon her husband…As he hath the strongest obligation upon him and the greatest advantages, he must lay about him by all lawful means to support and provide for her. Not only for her maintenance while he lives, but he ought to make provision for her, as far as he is able, after his departure hence. For so did Jesus Christ for His church.

(2) This conjugal love is to be showed in the tenderness of the husband towards the wife: And this duty is incumbent on him, as he is the head of the wife: “The head of the woman is the man” (1Co 11:3). Hence, the husband is bound to protect his wife from dangers and to sympathize with her in them…Upon this account he must protect her soul from temptation, her body from harm, her name from reproach, and her person from contempt either of children, servants, or others. In short, his whole carriage to her should be full of tenderness and composed of love and pity.

(3) The husband’s love is showed to his wife in giving her a good example: Namely, of piety, gravity, charity, wisdom, and goodness, which will be the most constant and effectual lecture that he can read unto her…If he be holy, quiet, and industrious, she cannot for shame, be wicked, froward, and idle. His discourses will direct hers. His prayers will teach her to pray. His justice, temperance, and charity will be a law, a rule, a motive to make her just, and sober, and charitable. If he be an atheist, an epicure, a Pharisee, it undoes her. He is to go before her, and usually she follows him either to hell or to heaven.

(4) The effects of a husband’s love to his wife are to be seen in his behavior towards her: that is, in the mild use of his authority…Herein lies an act of the husband’s love: (i) Wisely to keep, (ii) Mildly to use this authority. (i) He must keep it by a religious, grave, and manly carriage…If his behavior be light, she will be apt to set lightly by him. If he be weak and effeminate, it loses him…But then, (ii) Herein shines his love, to use the same with all sweetness…He is not to rule her as a king doth his subjects, but as the head doth the body. Though she was not taken out of Adam’s head, so neither out of his foot, but out of his side near his heart. Therefore, his countenance must be friendly, his ordinary language to her mild and sweet, his behavior obliging, his commands sparing and respectful, and his reproofs gentle…He should never imagine that a rude insolency or perpetual bitterness is either the way to keep or use his authority aright…If meekness of wisdom will not prevail with thy wife, thou art undone in this world and she in the world to come.

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45. inadvertencies — forgotten or ignored responsibilities.

From “What Are the Duties of Husbands and Wives Towards Each Other?” in Puritan Sermons 1659-1689, Being the Morning Exercises at Cripplegate, Vol. 1, reprinted by Richard Owen Roberts, Publishers.

Richard Steele (1629-1692): Puritan preacher and author; remembered as “a good scholar, a hard student, and an excellent preacher”; author of The Character of the Upright Man and others. Born at Bartholmley, Cheshire, England.

Courtesy of Chapel Library