The pastor’s aptitude for spiritual leadership will be most evident in the way in which he treats his own wife. She is the answer to the question, how does this man influence other people? Will the church prosper under his leadership, or will the church wither? Will the church mature and blossom, or will the church shrink and shrivel? An awful lot is seen by the way in which his leadership, the fruit that his leadership bears in his domestic relationships. So that when you see those characteristics of the woman described in verse eleven, you see a reflection of her husband’s characteristics first given to us in verse eight. She reflects his character. She reflects his virtues.
Now, I’m not saying that a Christian woman is unable to cultivate these godly virtues apart from a husband, I’m not saying that, but I am saying that the wife of a pastor must show these virtues that they are evident because of her cooperation with his spiritual leadership in the home and that he is in fact leading her into spiritual maturity. If the elder is really a man of godly character and capable of influencing others to holiness, then where will it be more evident if not in his own marriage? If he loves her, Paul says, he’ll love the church. If he’s sensitive to her, Paul says, he’ll be sensitive to the church. If she is submissive to him, it’s because she respects him and she trusts him, therefore the church has reason to think, he’s trustworthy. He’s gained the respect and confidence of the woman who knows him and sees him at his worst, in private, and she still respects it. If she is unwilling to be led by him, the church should ask the question whether the church should be willing to be led by him. What does she know about him that we don’t? If he cannot sustain the respect of his wife, could it be because she sees hypocrisy in the home? My friend, if you cannot look you wife in the eye while you’re preaching and address her conscience as her pastor from the pulpit, then something is wrong. If when you are preaching and you’re coming to issues of application and in your mind you know, I can’t look at her because if I look at her in the eye she’s going to give me one of those, “um hum, I know what you’re saying” looks. Something’s wrong, I’ve got some work to do at home, or should I be doing the work that I’m doing behind the pulpit? She is part of what qualifies me to be in the ministry.
Therefore the pastor must make his marriage a priority because his marriage demonstrates whether or not he knows how to apply the gospel to his personal relationships. Who do you sin against more than your wife? Who do you sin against more than your wife? Where is the gospel more needed, more frequently, if not in your marriage? The gospel is to be a constant part of the communication of a husband and wife because I sin against my wife more than I sin against anybody else. I say things to her that I shouldn’t say, more than I say things like that to anybody else. I have a bad attitude toward her more than to anyone else, and she answers the question whether or not I, as a sinner struggling with my own remaining sin, know how to bring the gospel and apply the gospel to personal relationships. So that my people in the church can expect that when we, not if, when we sin against each other, that there is someone who can give spiritual leadership that knows how to bring the gospel to bear upon those issues of sin, who knows what it is to acknowledge his sin, and to confess his sin, and to repent of his sin, and to seek forgiveness, who knows what it is to grant forgiveness and to no longer hold the sin against the forgiven and to accomplish gospel reconciliation and gospel peace. Who’s got the skills to do that? Pastor. Can he do it? Ask his wife. Why? Because if he’s sinning anywhere, it’s against her. And she can tell you, does he know how to own his sin, how to repent? Does he know how to be forgiving? Does he know how to lead in personal relationships, to triumph over sin, and to bring gospel victory to the threat that sin brings to the fiber of our community?
The church needs to know that the man knows how to lead by the gospel. In Ephesians chapter five in verse twenty -two, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He himself being the savior of the body, but as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.” The husband is head of the wife as Christ is head of the Church. He has been given the position of responsibility and leadership, and we are not to lord it over our wives as the gentiles who take authority and make it something that’s tyrannical and manipulative. But we are to lead in Christ; we are to exercise authority not for own selfish purposes and not by forcing ourselves on others, but by giving.
We are to rule by serving; we are to rule as a savior, so that the result of our leadership is the promotion of the salvation of those whom we lead. So, Paul continues in verse twenty-five, “Husbands love your wives, just as Christ also loved the Church and gave Himself up for her, so that he might sanctify her having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the Church in all her glory having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and blameless.” The husband’s leadership is to be an expression of gospel love, of Christ-like rule that serves. And so he is willing to sacrifice himself for his wife as Christ sacrifices for the church and he speaks to her with words that sanctify and edify and build her up and cleanse and purify, so that in verse twenty-seven, he is satisfied as he presents to himself the result of his leadership: a woman who has matured and flowered in her femininity, who has become like the bride of Christ, glorious in her beauty of godliness. And is presented to him, he is satisfied, he sacrifices, he sanctifies, and he is satisfied as he reaps the fruit in his marriage of gospel love and gospel leadership. Again, we continue, verse twenty-eight, “So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself, for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it just as Christ also does the church, for we are members of His body.”
The husband’s love is to be life-giving because he is one flesh with his life. Her health and vigor is his health and vigor. He is to love her as he would love himself for he is one flesh with her. He is to nourish her that means to provide food for something, to promote health and well-being. He is to cherish her, that word in the original means to soften something by heating it, by keeping the relationship warm and affectionate and tenderly caring for her, gently, kindly. As Peter says, as with a weaker vessel for she is tender and frail, and his leadership should not be crushing, but it should be a nourishing leadership. Why? Because this is how Christ treats His church, He nourishes and cherishes His church. He tenderly, gently, kindly, self-sacrificially serves His church, and by doing so He leads her into holiness.
This article is an excerpt from a sermon delivered in the 2010 Pastors’ Conference at Iglesia Bautista Reformada de North Bergen [Reformed Baptist Church of North Bergen]. All rights reserved.