Jeff Smith
Well, I would like you to turn in your Bibles to Ephesians chapter 5. I would like to read verses 22-33 of Ephesians 5.
“Wives, be in subjection unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, being Himself the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives also be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for it, that he might sanctify it, having cleansed it by the washing of water with the word, that He might present the church to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. Even so, ought husbands also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He that loves his own wife loves himself; for no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ also the church, because we are members of His body. ‘For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is great; but I speak in regard of Christ and of the church. Nevertheless, do you also severally love each one his own wife even as himself, and let the wife see that she fear her husband.”
Well, by way of review, last time I began to address God’s design and plan for husbands, and in particular in this chapter, in redemption. Paul is writing to Christians in the church in Ephesus; and so he is addressing Christian husbands. I don’t mean by that that these truths do not apply to husbands who are not Christians. The truths do apply, but, of course, only in Christ can you really love your wife as you are commanded to do. By way of review, last time I showed you, from this passage that I’ve just read, first of all: the role of the husband is restored in Christ in redemption, and that role is that he is the head of his wife.
Secondly, we saw, from in this passage, the primary responsibility of the husband reaffirmed. It is the husband’s God-given duty to love his wife. You see that in Ephesians 5, verse 25, verse 28. Thirdly, we saw the two-fold pattern and model for the husband. In verses 25-27, if you look there in your Bibles, we see the first pattern or model: husbands are commanded to love their wives as Christ loved the church. I asked the question, how did Christ love the church? Well, according to this passage and other passages, Christ loved the church, His bride, sacrificially; Christ loved the church, His bride, purposefully; and Christ loved the church, His bride, faithfully. That is what God commands every single one of you husbands here to do in your marriage with your wife.
Well, I would like to move on and consider the second pattern or model given to husbands in this passage; a pattern, a model he is to copy in order to fulfill God’s command: that he love his wife. We see that in verses 28-32. So, look there in your Bibles. I won’t reread those verses right now, but in verses 28-32, husbands are commanded to love their wives as they love their own bodies.
Now, in our self-centered, self-serving, self-indulgent world, those words might seem a little shocking, but, of course, the Apostle Paul doesn’t mean what the world means when they say, “You need to love yourself, that’s what you really need to do. Love yourself and you’ll feel wonderful and everything will be great for you here on earth.” No, that’s very self-centered and sinful. That’s not what Paul is saying here when he says, “Husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies.” Let’s see what he does mean here, in this passage.
Christ loves His own body, which is His church (Ephesians 5:30). A husband is to love his own body, which is his wife! That’s what Paul means in essence. You, as husbands, are to love your own body, not only your own physical body in a right way, but you are to love your wife. “For the two shall become one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31, quoting from Genesis 2:24). Paul expands upon this duty in verse 29 of Ephesians 5. I would like to reread that, so look there in your Bibles. Ephesians 5:29, “For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ also the church.” Husbands, you are not to hate your wife! It’s what Paul says here. “No one ever hated his own flesh,” husbands, therefore, you’re not to hate your own wife.
You may say, “Well, that’s kind of obvious, isn’t it?” But, sadly, even Christian husbands can decline spiritually, so that instead of loving their wives, they actually begin to despise their wives, even hate their wives. You say, “Well, I can’t believe that!” Well, Paul in Colossians, commands husbands to not only love their wives, but he says, “Do not be bitter against them.” He recognized, he saw, as a pastor, that there were husbands who, at times, became bitter towards their own wives. That is sinful and that is wrong. You are not to hate your wife!
One commentator on this very passage says, “It is just as unnatural for a man to hate his wife, as it would be to hate himself or as his own body. A man may have a body which does not altogether suit him. He may wish it were more handsome, healthier, stronger, more active. Still, it is his body. It is himself, and he nourishes it and cherishes it as tenderly as though it were the most handsome and loveliest man ever had.” That’s Charles Hodge.
You see what he’s saying? I mean, I could wish that I had biceps that were huge. I could wish that I had this really masculine, stronger, bigger body. My wife thinks I’m good-looking. I could wish I was more good-looking! Seriously, I could wish a lot of things, but they’re not reality. Well, what do I do towards myself? I don’t hate myself; I don’t despise myself. I accept myself for the way I am; I take care of myself; I love myself. That’s what Hodge is saying here. He’s saying a man may, therefore, have a wife whom he could wish was more beautiful, whom he could wish was more agreeable, but she is his wife! By the constitution of nature in the ordinance of God, she is a part of himself. In neglecting her, in ill-using her, the husband violates the laws of nature, as well as the law of God.
So, you see, husbands, you are to love your wife with all of her imperfections, with all of her difficulties and problems, with all of those things you wish were different; but, you know, she wishes there were things different in you, as well. That’s not the point! God commands you, as a husband, to love your wife just as she is. That doesn’t mean you’re not to try to see her become more holy, to change, to become sanctified; but you’re to love her right where she is, right now, as she is, because that’s what Jesus Christ does with you!
Christ looks down at you. Christ looks down at me. Does He see a perfect man? Does He see a sinless man? Does He see a man who has no faults? If you’re a true Christian He sees His own grace working in your heart and life, but you still have plenty of sins. You still have plenty of faults, and Christ still loves you! He embraces you right now, as you are. Does He want to see you become more holy? Yes. Is He working to make you more holy? Yes. But He has loved you when you were unlovely. That’s the gospel!
The gospel comes and doesn’t say to us, as sinners, “Well, first clean up your life, and then maybe I, Christ, will accept you.” No. Christ comes to helpless, hopeless, sinful sinners. He says to them in the gospel in the Word of God, “Come unto me, just as you are I will receive you.” When He receives you, He begins to change you. As Christ has received you, husband, just as you are, you are to love your wife as Christ loves you. You are to love your wife, she is you body. You’re not to hate your wife!
You, as a man, as a husband, have concern and care and love for your own physical body. You have a comprehensive care for your own physical body. You have a constant attention for the care and goodness of your own physical body, and, likewise, you are to care comprehensively for your wife, who is your body. You’re to be constantly paying attention to her.
I know that when I’m washing my face, washing my neck, I could feel certain things that are not quite right. Perhaps you’ve had this experience. You’re washing your body and you feel a lump, and you kind of ignore it for a few days, but a week goes by, it’s still there. You say, “That lump wasn’t there two weeks ago. It’s kind of hard. What is it?” You don’t continue to ignore it, you go to the doctor. Ask him to find out what this is. Maybe it’s the beginning of cancer, you don’t know. You see, you have an attentive care and concern about your own body, and you are to have that kind of focus, attention, and care for the actual well-being of your wife, not just physically, but emotionally, psychologically, spiritually especially, in all areas of her life. You’re not to hate her, you’re to love her.
Therefore, if you’re going to be that kind of a husband, it is not okay for you to be a sports-obsessed man. So that on Monday night you’re watching Monday-night football—and you should never be watching football on the Lord’s Day, you’re sinning if you do that. On Monday night, you’ve decided, “Okay, I’m going to watch Monday-night football,” and you’re one of those ones where the house could be burning down around you and you’re oblivious. Well, we laugh at that, but, you know, the truth is: that is really not right! Your wife, probably, is tending to the family. Now, I’m not saying you can’t with your wife say, “Can I watch football tonight, Monday night?” The point is, it’s not okay for you to be so sports-obsessed that you ignore your wife and don’t care for your wife.
It’s not okay for you to be an oblivious computer geek. You know, you’re so much into the software, you’re so much into the hardware, at work, at home, and that’s all you’re doing. You’re on the computer on the computer on the computer. The kids could be screaming all around the house, and you’re not paying attention to it. Through that you’re not only not loving your children, your poor wife is going crazy, and you’re not loving her. You’re not being the head. You’re not being the leader. You’re not loving your wife as your own body!
Furthermore, in verse 39, not only are you to not hate your wife. In verse 29, you are to nurture your wife as your own body. The word nurture, the English word nurture, in the Greek it means to train up your wife to maturity. Such training of your wife is not to be conducted with coldness or with severity or harshness, but this nurturing is to be accomplished with love and tenderness from your heart, with your words, with your attitudes, with your deeds.
This love and tenderness is very clear when you look at Ephesians 6:4. Look in your Bibles there. Ephesians 6:4. The same Greek word is used in verse 4 as is used in verse 29. In the English it’s translated “nurture” or “nourish.” Ephesians 6:4, “You, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but nurture them in the chastening and admonition of the Lord.” So, fathers are not to provoke their children, but they are to nurture them tenderly, not in anger. Similarly, you, husbands, are to nurture your wives. You are not to provoke them to anger. You are to nurture your wives with tenderness, with affection. You are to train up your wife to maturity in all areas of her life. You are to remember how Christ Jesus nurtures you, Mr. Husband. How does Christ do that? He’s tender and affectionate with you, and that is how you are to be with your wife!
More specifically, when you read through the New Testament, when you read through your Bible, you see that Christ nurtures His people using His Holy Word. His Holy Word, the Bible, reveals Christ’s nurture as a loving nurture, a patient nurture, a faithful nurture, a nurturing of encouragement, a nurturing of rebuke, a nurturing of instruction, a nurturing of correction. Husbands, that is how you are to nurture your wife: with the Word of God, teaching and applying these truths to her heart and life. From the Word of God, you are to set the living Savior Jesus Christ before her, and say to her, “As Christ loves me and you, as Christ is faithful to us, I want to teach you how to be a faithful wife. I want to be a faithful husband to you. This is part of the nurturing process I am to give you, as a husband.”
You must encourage your wife with your words and with your deeds. You must make promises to your wife, and then fulfill them, for that’s what Jesus Christ does to you. You must instruct her patiently, that’s what Christ does for you. You must correct her lovingly, that’s how Christ treats you. In all things, your goal is to see your wife mature in godliness, through your nurturing of her heart and life, blessed by the presence and power of the Holy Spirit.
Let me give you an illustration here. It’s not very profound, but it’s real. My wife used to have a garden, and she doesn’t have it anymore. Our two eldest sons are out of the house. I think she thought she didn’t need to tend to a garden anymore, but she loved gardening. We had a vegetable garden. She had what a lot of people had: tomato plants. She’d stake them up; she’d tie the tomato plants as they grew onto that stake; she’d break off these little growths that were not necessary; she’d treat the tomato plant with this dusting powder to keep these little bugs away; she would water them; she would fertilize the plants. We got these gorgeous tomatoes! You see, what was she doing? She was nurturing the tomato plants. Water; fertilizer; of course, the sun’s there, she can’t control the sun; kept the bugs away; staked them up; tended to them. She nurtured them!
My next-door neighbor, his name is Bill. Bill and Stacy, they don’t have a garden, but a couple of years in a row they bought this big pot. They put dirt in it; they put a couple of tomato plants in it; they put it out on their back patio. I could see it every day, and they did nothing to the tomato plants. And, guess what? The plants looked pretty scrawny. They looked pretty bad, and, actually, he got a few small tomatoes, but the tomatoes looked like you’d never want to eat them! Poisonous. Seriously, I said, “Why did they even bother?” They did no nurturing of the tomato plant. So, the end result was clear.
Husbands, what does your wife look like spiritually and practically? Does she look like my wife’s tomato plants? Healthy, strong, full of nice, large, red, juicy tomatoes. Is that what your wife looks like spiritually, practically? Or does she look like the scrawny tomato plant of my neighbor? That’s blighted, scraggly, virtually no fruit. You see, no nurture; lot’s of nurture. You, as husbands, are to nurture your wives with the Word of God, so that they are producing fruit, the fruit of the Holy Spirit. At the end of the day, it is God’s work. If your wife produces fruit and you are a true Christian husband and you actively nurtured her, you, seeing all of your sins and all of your failures, you will still rightly do what I do, you’ll say, “Lord, to You is all the glory. In so many ways I could have messed things up, in many ways I did mess things up, but, by Your grace, I did sincerely, faithfully nurture my wife. But I know that all the fruit that she’s producing spiritually is really due to Your grace and Your grace alone.” So, it’s not an occasion for you to be proud and puffed up, “Oh, I’m a wonderful husband.” It, rather, is an occasion to humble yourself and thank God for His grace in you and His grace in your wife. Nevertheless, it is your duty, it is your duty under God, to do this: to nurture your wife!
Next, in verse 29 of Ephesians 5, Paul tells us you’re not only to not hate your wife, you’re not only to nurture your wife. He says you are to cherish your wife as your own body. To better understand this English word “cherish” and the Greek word behind it, turn in your Bibles to 1 Thessalonians chapter 2. The same root Greek word is used in 1 Thessalonians 2:7, as is used in Ephesians 5:29. The same root Greek word translated “cherish.” Paul is, of course, writing, “But we were gentle in the midst of you, as when a nurse cherishes her own children.” You see, there’s the word. “We were gentle in the midst of you, as when a nurse cherishes her own children.” This Greek word, translated “cherish,” means to warm, to foster, to brood over, as when a hen sits on its nest and broods over its egg, in order to warm it and bring it to birth.
This is how the Apostle Paul treated the Thessalonian Christians. He cherished them; he brooded over them, like a hen over the egg; he protected them; he cared for them. Paul expands upon that reality of cherishing by telling us that his cherishing of the Thessalonians was also like that of a nursing mother with her own children. A nursing mother cherishes her child by feeding it, protecting it, and loving the child in the context of gentleness.
A nursing mother, you nursing mothers here, you have nursed children. You do not seek glory for yourself, when you’re nursing your child. Your focus is upon the welfare of the child that you are cherishing. You do not stand on your dignity when it’s 3 AM and your little one in the crib is screaming, crying, needing to be fed. You, mothers, you roll out of bed and you go to the crib and you take the infant up and you begin to nurse the infant. Your hair is every which way; you’re maybe in a bathrobe; it’s dark in the house; you feel tired; you have big bags under your eyes; it’s dark under your eyes, because this has been going on for several months now. You don’t stand on your dignity, because you want that child to be cherished. You’re focused upon the needs of that child whom you love. You spare no trouble; you spare no effort; you avoid no care. It doesn’t matter how wearied you are, you will gladly give your life for the welfare of that baby that you nurse. You see, this is what cherishing involves. This is what husbands are to do with their wives. You are to cherish your wife, even as a nursing mother cherishes her baby.
1 Thessalonians 2, verse 8. Paul goes on, he says, “Even so, being affectionately desirous of you, we were well-pleased to impart unto you, not the gospel of God only, but also our own souls, because you are become very dear to us.” Now, when you read that language, you should feel what Paul felt to some degree. You see, he yearned for these Christians in Thessalonica. You see, he had a deep affection, not a superficial affection. He had a deep, heart affection for them, and, as a result, he was willing to give up his own soul, give up his own life for them. You see, he did not go to Thessalonica to get, get, get, but he went to Thessalonica to give. He was not a professional pastor, like you see on TV. Most of the ones on TV are not really even pastors. They call themselves pastors, but Paul was not a professional pastor, you see. His soul, his heart was bound up in love and cherishing of these Thessalonian Christians.
That’s the picture that God gives to you, as husbands. Your soul, your heart, your affections are to be bound up in cherishing your wife. You’re not to be cold; you’re not to be hard; you’re not to be distant; you’re not to be harsh. You’re to have your heart and your soul engaged in cherishing and loving your wife. Now, turn back to Ephesians 5, and verse 29. What is it that’s the base, the foundational reality here? It’s called “unselfishness.”
Husbands, your cherishing love of your wife will never happen if you are a selfish, self-centered, self-indulgent, self-serving, self-loving man. It won’t happen. If you would cherish your wife as you are commanded to do, if you would cherish your wife as Paul cherished the Thessalonians, as a mother cherishes her feeding infant, you must think of the needs of your wife before you think of your needs. You must think of your wife’s spiritual and physical and practical needs before you think about your needs. The way you spend money; the way you use your time, including at night and on Saturdays; the things you do around your home; the time you spend with your children; the time you spend with your wife. Husbands, unselfishness must permeate your heart. It must spread throughout your mind, as well as your heart, and thus your words and deeds in your relationship with your wife.
Christ Jesus came to this earth that He would deliver us from all sin, including self-centeredness. You would cherish your wife as Christ cherishes His bride, the church. You must mortify, put off, kill, repent of all selfishness in your life, and you must think of your wife before you think of yourself. Isn’t that what Jesus Christ did when He came to this earth? Isn’t that the gospel? When He came to this earth, when He left the glories of Heaven, He wasn’t thinking first about Himself. He was thinking about those whom He would save. When He lived on this earth, from infancy all the way to His death, He didn’t live to serve Himself. He lived to serve His people. He didn’t think first about Jesus. He thought first about the will of God and His people. That, husbands, is what you are to do. You are to love your wife and cherish her as Christ cherishes His bride, the church.
Now, moving on from Ephesians 5. That was the second pattern and model for you, as husbands. You’re to love your wife as Christ loves the church; you’re to love your wife as you love your own body; you’re not to hate her; you are to, indeed, cherish her; you are to be unselfish in giving yourself to her; you are to be deeply affectionate for her. That is how you are to love your wife, but I would like you now to learn some other things from Ephesians 5. Notice verse 31.
Ephesians 5:31, “For this cause shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Husbands are to love their wives with a love that transcends all other human relationships. As Paul concludes his teaching to husbands and to wives in this chapter, his mind, inevitably, goes back to God’s creation of men and women in Genesis. Although my focus is upon the husband—because that’s God’s focus, I believe, in the majority of this passage—there are, of course, things I will say that apply to wives. But here in verse 31, Paul is reminding us that a husband must leave his parents when he marries his wife. A husband must cleave to his wife when he marries her. “To leave” means to abandon, to forsake, to leave behind. “To cleave to his wife” means to be glued to his wife, to be cemented to his wife.
The husband is to continue to honor his father and mother, as God commands him to do, and parents are to continue to love their son or, of course, their daughter when she gets married. A new household has been established under the rule of God, and parents no longer have the same authority and rule over their married son or daughter. Parents should continue to pray for their married son and his wife and family. Parents should continue to be supportive in godly ways to their married children, but at no time should the parent seek to undermine, circumvent, or overthrow the authority and rule of their son or son-in-law in marriage. At no time should the son, who is now married, relinquish or give up his authority and headship to his parents! Such behavior, on the part of married son or parents, is unbiblical. It undermines God’s created order for marriages and families.
From Ephesians 5:31, and it’s a quotation from Genesis 2:24, we are instructed that the husband’s love for his wife is to supersede his love for all other human relationships, including that of his parents. As I’ve said, he’s still to love his father and mother and honor them as God commands him, but he is to leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife. His love for his wife is to be the supreme love of his heart among earthly human beings. God is to have his heart’s supreme love, but amongst human beings it should be his wife.
You know the example of Jonathan and David in the Old Testament? There’s a beautiful picture of true, godly, male friendship between Jonathan and David. It’s a beautiful picture of pure, holy, godly, male friendship, but, there’s something wrong there. David had how many wives? I don’t remember off the top of my head, but he didn’t have one. He had multiple wives, and, you see, when Jonathan was killed in battle, David laments Jonathan’s death and he says, “Your love was better than that of women.” He was not speaking as a pervert. He was not speaking as a homosexual, as some perverted people today say. He was speaking about pure love for Jonathan, who died. That’s wonderful, but it’s not totally wonderful, because his first love, among humans, should not have been Jonathan, but his wife. The problem is, he didn’t have one wife, he had multiple wives.
The point that I’m making from Genesis 2:24 and Ephesians 5:31, is that you, husband, are to have your wife as your dearest and best friend amongst human beings here on earth. She is to be the focus of your human love. She should never replace God, of course. So, you should not love work more than your wife. You should not love football or baseball or gardening or computers more than your wife. You need to love your wife first and foremost amongst all human beings. You leave father and mother, cleave to your wife.
My fifth point, from last time till today, is another lesson from this passage: the husband is to love his wife with sexual intimacy. Now, as I say that, I know there’s young children here, but the Bible teaches this. No part of the Bible is to be avoided when there are children present. When you read through the Bible in family devotions, you’ll come across all sorts of things that are at times very difficult, sometimes shocking, but you’ll have to teach your children from the Bible, it’s God’s Word.
So, what am I saying here? The husband is to love his wife with sexual intimacy. A vital aspect of marital love, which was established by God at Creation and proclaimed in Genesis 2:24, reiterated here in Ephesians 5:31, is the sexual union between husband and wife. When you study Genesis 2, you learn about God’s creation-gift of sexual pleasures for a husband and a wife within marriage. Although this phrasing here, “the two shall become one flesh,” has implications beyond the sexual union of a husband and wife—it does have other implications—it’s primary reference is to God’s gift of sexual intimacy for a husband and wife.
William Hendrickson states this concerning this very reality about Ephesians 5:31: “Whatever else this may mean as to oneness in mind,” you see the two shall become one, “oneness in mind, oneness in heart, oneness in purpose, the very words ‘cleave’ and ‘flesh’ and ‘the two become one’ is referring to the sexual reality between a husband and wife.” The fact that Paul writes that here in this letter, which would have been read to the church in Ephesus—with children present, you see—the fact that it is in Ephesians 5, a chapter that proclaims the tender, deep, pure, self-sacrificing love of Christ for His church, reveals to us that this sexual intimacy between husband and wife in marriage is honorable and noble!
We have been too much affected and infected by the sinful perspectives about marriage and sexuality by America and media! “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind, through the reading and study of the Word of God.” Reject the world’s thinking about sexuality, take God’s thinking. The point is that sexuality is God’s creation, and such pleasures for husband and wife is God’s doing! It’s nothing to do with the Fall. The Fall has impacted that reality, but God created such realities before the Fall into sin.
Husbands, sexual intimacy, if you are to have that according to the Bible, you must have a meaningful, loving relationship with your wife! That starts outside of the bedroom. In other words, you have to talk to your wife; you have to listen to your wife; you have to spend time with your wife! She needs to know you do love her, not just in word, but in deed. She needs to know your heart is ravished with her!
Turn to 1 Peter chapter 3, verse 7. “You, husbands, in like manner, dwell with your wives according to knowledge, giving honor unto the woman as unto the weaker vessel, as being also joint heirs of the grace of life; to the end that your prayers be not hindered.” Husbands, you must dwell with your wives. This is so obvious, and yet it’s overlooked.
You’ve got to be at home with them. If you’re always at work and you get home at 10 o’clock at night, and then you’re gone at 6:30 AM, and that happens Monday through Friday, and on Saturday you sleep in, you may be physically dwelling in the same house, but the dwelling with your wives means not only physically living with your wife. It means spending time with your wife. If you do not spend time with your wife, you cannot expect that your marriage will flourish, that your marriage will be nurtured! You cannot expect that the sexual intimacy of your marriage will flourish!
Peter says not only, “Dwell with your wives,” he says, “Dwell with your wives according to knowledge.” You need to know your wife’s needs! You need to recognize and understand what she likes; what she dislikes; what her feelings are; what her fears are; what her weaknesses are; what her strengths are; what her vulnerabilities are; what her limitations are. You will not get that by going online and doing a Google search, “How can I better know my wife?” You get to know your wife by talking to your wife and listening to her, sincerely asking questions, sincerely wanting to know her. Do you do that? If you do not do that, then repent, and start not tomorrow, start today!
Send the kids off to bed, even if they’re 18, and sit down at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee, and talk. You may find it’s very awkward, because you haven’t been doing it. You’ve got to start! You should say, “My dear wife, I feel really awkward. I feel weird, but we’ve got to do this, because this is right, because I have to know you! I realize we’ve been married for ten years, fifteen years, and, honestly, I’ve realized I don’t really know you. Yeah, of course there’s things that I know about you. We’ve lived together for fifteen years, but I don’t know, I don’t think I really do know you. I feel my heart is cold, and I feel my heart is distant; and that is wrong! That is very wrong! So, let’s pray together, and let’s ask God to help me take the lead, help us to begin to communicate.” That’s what Peter means when he says, “Dwell with your wives, according to knowledge.”
Then you are to give honor unto your wife. If you don’t give honor unto your wife, as a prized, precious possession that Christ has given you, don’t be surprised if she’s cold and indifferent towards you in a lot of areas in life, including sexually. You know, when I’ve done premarital counseling I’ve had men—especially marital counseling—act like they want their wife to think like a man. Sometimes I say, “You know, what you really want is you want to be married to a man.” You laugh, but when I’ve said that I’ve not been trying to be funny.
I said, “You really want to be married to a man,” and the man normally—I’ve done this at least several times, more than several times, probably, over the course of 25 years—says, “I don’t want to be married to a man!” I say, “Yeah, but you say, ‘Well, she doesn’t think this way and she doesn’t speak this way and why doesn’t she think—’ You expect her to think like you; you expect her to talk like you; you expect her to react like you. You expect her to be a man, but she’s not a man! God, in His infinite wisdom, knew that you didn’t need a man. That’s why, in the Garden, He created a woman!”
It’s not that her thinking is inferior. I hate it when I hear men say that, and I rebuke them for it. It’s not that her thinking is wrong, or her thinking is inferior, or her thinking is not logical. It’s nonsense, and I rebuke men when they say that! “Oh, my wife’s not logical.” I’ve met many Christian men, many men, who are very illogical. It’s different by design! God designed it that way for a reason! So, you are to give honor to her, as a prized, precious possession from God. A weaker vessel, yes, but one to whom you are to give honor.
So, I ask you men, husbands, do you know what a spittoon is? I’ll describe it for you. You see it in these old Western cowboy movies. They walk into the saloon, and there on the floor is this brass pot. They’re chewing their tobacco, and they spit into it. It’s called a spittoon. They spit their tobacco into it. Do you treat your wife like a spittoon? Or do you treat your wife like she is a fine, beautiful, porcelain vase that holds beautiful flowers, that is sitting on a nice, wooden table? One that you put up where everyone can see it; one that you admire; one that you would never put on the floor; you would never spit tobacco into it. How do you view your wife? How do you treat your wife? Is she the spittoon? Or is she this beautiful, fine, porcelain vase? The porcelain vase is easily broken. The spittoon, you could kick it around and it wouldn’t break. Your wife is like that vase. You need to treat her that way. You need to give honor unto her.
Let us be clear in our thinking, and thus in our living, especially in America. Lust is not love. Young men—for that matter, all men, older or young, married or not—lust is not love. Lusting is sinful desiring for a woman who is not your wife. It is gazing upon a woman who is not your wife, fantasizing for a woman who is not your wife. That kind of activity with the eyes, with the mind, with the heart, that is lust, that is not love. You do that desiring that which God has forbidden. Remember, I’ve already said to you that God is the one who designed and created sexuality. God is the one who gave such sexual intimacy to husband and wife together in marriage, before the Fall into sin. So, we’re not having a prudish view about sexuality in marriage, but lust is not love. Lusting sexually is sinful.
Turn in your Bibles to 2 Samuel chapter 13. 2 Samuel 13, beginning with verse 1, “And it came to pass after this, that Absalom the son of David had a fair sister, whose name was Tamar; and Amnon the son of David loved her. And Amnon was so vexed, that he fell sick for his sister Tamar; for she was a virgin; and Amnon thought it hard for him to do anything to her. But Amnon had a friend, whose name was Jonadab, the son of Shimeah David’s brother: and Jonadab was a very subtle man. And he said unto him,” unto Amnon, “‘Why, oh son of the king, are you thus lean from day to day? Will you not tell me?’ And Amnon said unto him, ‘I love Tamar, my brother Absalom’s sister.’ And Jonadab said unto him, ‘Lay down on your bed, pretend you are sick; and when your father,’” King David, “‘comes down to see you, say unto him, ‘Let my sister Tamar come, I pray thee, and give me bread to eat, and dress the food in my sight, that I may see it and eat it from her hand.’
So Amnon laid down and pretended himself sick; and when the King was come to see him, Amnon said unto the king, ‘Let my sister Tamar come, I pray thee, make me a couple of cakes in my sight that I may eat from her hand.’ Then David sent home to Tamar, saying, ‘Go now to thy brother Amnon’s house, and dress him food,’” make him food. “So Tamar went to her brother Amnon’s house; and he was laid down. And she took dough, and kneaded it, and made cakes in his sight, and did bake the cakes. And she took the pan, poured them out before him, but he refused to eat. And Amnon said, ‘Have out all men from me.’ And they went out every man from him. And Amnon said unto Tamar, ‘Bring the food into the chamber,’” that is, into the bedchamber, “‘that I may eat from your hand.’ And Tamar took the cakes which she had made, and brought them into the chamber to Amnon her brother.
And when she had brought them near unto him to eat, he took hold of her, and said unto her, ‘Come lie with me, my sister.’ And she answered, ‘No, no, my brother, do not force me; for no such thing ought to be done in Israel; do not this folly. And I, where shall I carry my shame? And as for you, you will be as one of the fools in Israel. Now therefore, I pray, speak unto the king; for he will not withhold me from you.’ Howbeit, he would not hearken unto her voice; but, being stronger than she, he forced her, and lay with her.
Then Amnon hated her with exceeding, great hatred; for the hatred wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved her. And Amnon said unto her, ‘Arise, be gone.’ She said unto him, ‘Not so, because this great wrong in putting me forth now is worse than the other that you did unto me.’ But he would not hearken unto her. And he called his servant that ministered unto him, and said, ‘Put now this woman out from me, and bolt the door after her.’” There we’ll stop our reading of God’s Word.
You see here, God gives us vivid pictures, in His Word, of sin. Amnon had passion, he had passion without love. Husbands, you are to have passion for your wife joined to love. Amnon had lots of passion, but this was not love. It was passion without love. His supposed love was only lust. Lust and hatred are always natural companions, and that’s what you see in this passage. After Amnon gets his desires fulfilled, he now hates Tamar with a greater hatred than the supposed love that he had before. He hates her! He’s disgusted!
You see, lust and hatred are always joined together; and American TV and American movies and American media are lying to you! They portray lust as fun and wonderful and good and something you should desire and there’s no problem, there’s no complications. It’s all a big lie! Young men, it’s a lie! Older men, it’s a lie! It’s a lie! Look at Amnon. The writer of 2 Samuel wants us to see how absolutely vile he is. The writer wants us to see how Amnon has no heart, no compassion, no pity, no care, no love. He’s a selfish, self-centered, vile man that should be disgusting in our sight.
That is how we are to see such sexual immorality! You should not indulge sexual immorality in your mind, with your eyes, through the computer, through the Internet, through magazines, through TV, through these Spanish TV shows! You know, in my home we don’t have cable TV. I don’t want it, neither does my wife. We don’t have cable TV, but we get a Spanish station that I don’t want, and I don’t watch it. We rarely watch TV anyway. It’s usually, frankly, vile, sinful, ungodly, blasphemous stuff. We have it only to watch baseball occasionally, but I’m aware that this station is there. Whenever we have to pass by it, it’s unbelievable to me that this is on TV, just a passing glance on that Spanish station! I couldn’t even tell you what the name of that Spanish station is, but it’s an ordinary station. It’s not cable. That kind of stuff is ungodly, but if you drink it in with your eyes and mind, you’re going to have wrong thinking about sexuality and about marriage and about what love is.
Amnon, here in 2 Samuel 13, is displayed for us so that we can see his heartless, cold, brute-like, animal-like, sinful lust. It’s not love. Husbands, you are to dwell with your wives according to knowledge, giving honor unto them as the weaker vessel, and you are to think clearly about the reality of sexual love in your marriage. In Genesis 2 and in Ephesians 5:31, the quote from Genesis 2, it says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife, and the two shall be one flesh.” It does not say, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wives.” It does not say, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother, and cleave to a man.” It does not say, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and do any sort of other sexual uncleanness.”
So, when you look at Ephesians 5, husbands, you are to love your wives in all that we’ve discussed tonight. I’m concluding with this reality: that you are to love your wife in marriage sexually. It will not be a reality if you’re not really loving her as your should, according to Ephesians 5. When you do, you are glorifying the God of Heaven and your Savior.
Recently, at Trinity Baptist Church, through my regular pastoral visitations I was in the home of one of our families, a husband and wife. They’d been married, I think, for twenty years. They’re not, therefore, old. They’re not young, but they’re not old. As I was asking them how they’re doing spiritually and everything and just a variety of things, I sat there and I said, “This man”—of course I’m not going to name him, just a member of the church—I said to myself, “This husband clearly loves his wife. Not only does he clearly love his wife, it’s so clear that she is his best friend here on earth.” He’s got male friends. As she related to him, I thought, “It’s so beautiful, she’s clearly submissive.”
She’s a very intelligent woman. He’s a very intelligent man. They definitely communicate well with each other. I mean, if she doesn’t agree, she knows how to respectfully say, “Honey, I don’t totally agree. Let’s work through this.” He says, “We’ll work through this. Let’s go to the Bible.” I mean, that’s the way they operate! She clearly submits to him. She clearly loves him. He’s clearly her best friend, and she has other friends. She’s got good friends in the church. My point is, God was glorified as I sat there and watched and listened. I said, “Lord, You’re the One who has done this in these two people, this husband and wife.” Their marriage is a testimony of the grace of God. Husbands, your marriage should be a bright, shining light to the world about you, to Christians about you in this day and age. It can be!
Turn back to Ephesians, and with this I close. Ephesians chapter 3, and verse 20. How can you, as a husband, fulfill all of these duties, all of these requirements that God has laid upon you in His Word? Ephesians 3:20, “Now, unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, unto Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus unto all generations, forever and ever. Amen.” You see? “Unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that you could ever ask or think”!
You may be sitting here, husband, and saying, “Lord, I want to do this. I don’t know how in the world I’ll do this.” When you pray to God through Christ and you say, “Lord, change me and enable me and empower me,” you then plead this very benediction that Paul wrote. You say, “Lord, You have said that You are able to do exceeding abundantly above all that I ask or can even think. So, Lord, I’m thinking and I’m asking, but You can do exceeding abundantly above that in my heart, in my marriage with my wife!” The strength is not in yourself, ultimately. So, this is what you do. This is your hope.
Christ Jesus came into the world not only to rescue sinners from their sins, but to change sinners and make them like Himself, and He doesn’t leave us to our own power and our own strength. He gives us the grace and the power and the strength we need, because every single Christian has the Holy Spirit dwelling within him or her!
If you are here, and you say, “But I’m not a Christian.” Then you need to say, “Lord, I need to be a Christian.” You may say to me, “But, Pastor Smith, I don’t want to be a Christian.” I say to you, you are like Amnon: a fool. Don’t continue to be like Amnon, a fool! Say, “Lord, I don’t want to be a Christian, but You can change me, that I will want to be a Christian. Lord, I confess I love my sin, but You can change me that I would hate what You hate. Deliver me from being Amnon, a fool, and make me a genuine Christian today.” Well, let’s close in prayer.
Our God, we ask that You would receive our prayers of thanksgiving and petition now. Please, take all of Your truth and write it upon our hearts and souls; and change each one of us by Your grace and power, from the youngest to the oldest. Make all of the husbands in this church to be godly husbands in their marriages; to love their wives as Christ loves the church; to love their wives even as they love their own bodies; to not hate their wives, to cherish their wives; to nurture their wives; to dwell with their wives according to knowledge and understanding; to give honor unto them as a weaker vessel; to magnify Your grace in their marriages. For the good of their own marriages; for the good of their families; for the glory of Christ here in this earth. We ask all of these things in Jesus’ name. Amen.
