Jeff Smith
Let’s pray and ask God to be with us as we study His Word.
Our gracious God in Heaven, we thank You that You see all things and You know our innermost thoughts. We pray, O God, that You would come and use Your Holy Word to search us, to try us, and to show us the realities of our own sins and need of Jesus Christ. We pray, Father, that You would use Your Word for the good of everyone in this auditorium, from the youngest to the oldest. May no one sit and think, “This does not apply to me.” Take Your Word, our sovereign God, and apply it graciously and powerfully to each one of our hearts and souls. May Jesus Christ receive all praise, glory, and honor. In His name we pray, amen.
When a tsunami sweeps across a country, devastation is the consequence, and probably everyone here remembers seeing the pictures of that tsunami that swept into Japan just over three years ago. The destruction was unbelievable. However, with the passing of time, reconstruction takes place, as it has there in Japan, and order and beauty is restored little by little. The fall of man into sin, Adam’s disobedience to God’s clear, simple command, was a spiritual and practical tsunami. Death and depravity descended upon all of the natural descendants of Adam, because of Adam’s sin: his disobedience. It was a spiritual tsunami, but through the gospel of Jesus Christ, anyone who believes in Christ and turns away from his or her sins have their tsunami-devastated life reconstructed by the grace of God, by the work of the Holy Spirit, and holiness replaces sin and depravity by degrees. Until one day we shall be forever with the Lord, and we shall have sin no more.
Well, sin has had a very devastating effect upon marriage, but through the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, marriages can also be restored to God’s original plan and design. I would like us to look at God’s design and plan for husbands in the light of redemption. Now, of course I know there are young men here, and boys, who are not yet husbands, but probably the vast majority of you one day will become husbands, and so you ought to pay attention to the Word of God. Frankly, you should pay attention to the Word of God no matter what the topic is. Some of you, of course, are married wives. Well, you should be interested in this topic because it helps you to understand how your husband should indeed be living. You see, this is a vital topic for our day and our country.
You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know that marriage in America is under attack. Frankly, it’s under attack no matter where you turn in the world, it seems in this day. People are thinking, “Marriage is irrelevant. It doesn’t matter whether you’re married or not, just live together. It doesn’t matter whether you have one husband or three male partners. It doesn’t matter if you are two men and you want to live together sinfully.” Of course, they don’t call it “sin,” that’s what I’m calling it. You see, marriage is under attack. We need to understand what God says about marriage, and specifically today, husbands need to understand what God expects of them. So, this subject is really relevant for everyone here.
Turn in your Bibles, please, to Ephesians chapter 5, and I shall read beginning at verse 22. Ephesians 5:22, “Wives, be in subjection unto your own husbands as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church; being Himself the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives also be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself up for it; that He might sanctify it, having cleansed it by the washing of water with the word, that He might present the church to Himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. Even so ought husbands also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He that loves his own wife loves himself. For no man ever hated his own flesh; but nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ also the church; because we are members of His body. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great, but I speak in regard of Christ and of the church. Nevertheless, do you also severally love each one his one wife even as himself; and let the wife see that she fear her husband.”
Well, I would like you to see, first of all from this passage, the role of the husband restored. Here Paul is writing to Christians who lived in the city of Ephesus, to the church in Ephesus. He’s addressing Christian husbands here, and he wants them to understand what their role is and that that role has been restored to them in Christ. It had been relinquished in sin, but now to be restored. You see that in verse 23, “The husband is the head of the wife,” that’s his role. This is a statement of fact! God has made the husband the head of the wife, and God will hold the husband accountable for that responsibility. The husband may not righteously fulfill his role as head in a marriage, but that does not change the fact that God has made him the head of his wife. The wife may not like her husband’s headship, at times, even a Christian wife with a Christian husband. She may not always like his headship, but that does not alter the fact that God has made him her head.
Abdication, giving up your role and responsibilities as head in marriage, is not excusable! Dear Christian husbands, when you get annoyed with your wife—and yes, I know, as a Christian man and a husband. I’ve been married thirty-two years, there have been, sadly, times when I’ve sinfully been annoyed with my wife, but that doesn’t give me any grounds, nor does it give any husband in this place any ground to retreat, to say, “Well, she wants to be that way. Let her go on that way. She can do what she wants to do.” You’re abdicating, you’re giving up, you’re relinquishing your headship, and that, dear brothers who are husbands, is sin! Passivity in marriage is also a form of abdication. In other words, just doing nothing; being passive! God, in Christ, has made you the head of your wife, and you are not to be a passive couch potato.
Well, what does this word “head” mean? What is it? “The husband is the head of his wife,” that is, he is the ruler; he is the authority; he is the leader; he is the director of his wife. To better understand this word, turn in your Bibles to Ephesians chapter 1, verse 22, where the exact same word is used. Ephesians 1:22, “And he,” that is, God the Father, “put all things in subjection under his feet,” under Christ’s feet, “and gave him,” Christ, “to be head over all things to the church, which is his body.” You see, in this verse “head” expresses the idea of Christ’s supremacy and authority over the entire cosmos, over the entire world, which He exercises for the benefit of His church.
Look at Ephesians 4:15, where the word “head” is used again. “But speaking truth in love, we may grow up in all things unto him, who is the head, even Christ.” You see, we are not to be children tossed to and fro, we are to grow in maturity. We are to do this and grow up in all things unto Him who is the head, even Christ. So, in this verse, the rule of Christ over His people is described, and His headship is expressed in Christ’s care and nourishment, as well as His leadership of His people. As head, Christ exercises supreme authority, rule, and leadership and care and nourishment of His church, and all husbands are to do the same with reference to their wives. You, husband, are to be this kind of head to your wife.
The husband is not to be a tyrant or a dictator or some abusive husband over his wife, because Christ is not a dictator that is abusive. Christ is not an evil tyrant over the church! The husband, as head, has a position of responsibility and authority over a functional subordinate: his wife. But his wife, according to the Bible, is not his slave. She is not just a tool for him to use when he wants to use her. She is not a second-class human being to be distressed, neglected, abused, or harmed in any way. Not at all!
So, sons, young men in this congregation or young boys in this congregation, you need to learn from your fathers in the way that they treat your mother. You need to watch your fathers, your godly fathers, in the way they treat your mother. Husband to wife, you’re the child, you look at your father. “How does he treat my mother?” If he’s following the Bible, if he’s a husband that is a head over his wife, as he should be, if he is doing this kind of rule in the home, you should learn from your father, and learn from the Word of God. Your father should not be treating your mother in any sinful way. You should learn so that when you are one day married you will know, in large measure, from the Word of God and from your father, how to be a head to your wife.
So, the role of the husband restored. He is to be the head of his wife, but secondly: the primary responsibility of the husband is reaffirmed in Ephesians chapter 5. Turn back to Ephesians chapter 5. The primary responsibility of the husband is reaffirmed. We’re told—in verses 25-28 of Ephesians 5—it is the husband’s God-given duty to love his wife.
Notice, first of all, what Paul does and does not say in this passage. Husbands are exhorted, repeatedly, in this passage, to love their wives. (Verse 25; verse 28; verse 33). Paul does not exhort the husbands to rule their wives! They are the head, they are to rule, but Paul doesn’t, in this passage, exhort husbands, “Rule your wives.” He commands them, he exhorts them to love their wives. That’s what he tells them to do!
Note, secondly, the meaning of this word “love.” The word that Paul uses here, in Ephesians, is the Greek word agapao, which is translated “love” in English Bibles, probably translated into the equivalent in the Spanish Bibles. According to Strong’s Concordance, this Greek word agapao, this word love, embraces the judgment. It involves a deliberate assent of the will. It is a matter of principle, duty, and propriety. However, as any careful study of the Bible will reveal, this word agapao, this love, is not simply intellectual love. It’s not simply a love of the head.
Just consider for a moment John 3:16. You don’t need to turn there, you all can site that verse, “For God so loved the world.” It’s the same Greek word. Love, in John 3:16, is the word agapao. Surely, in John 3:16, the love of God the Father for the world was principled. It was a matter of principle, a matter of choice on the part of God the Father. It was a matter of deliberate action on the part of God the Father. It did involve God the Father’s judgement, His intellect, but our Bible’s also reveal that God’s love for the world of lost sinners was not just a love of the head: without any feelings, without any warm affection. The God of the Bible has a sincere, real love for lost sinners!
If you are here tonight and you have not repented of your sins, but you’re still in love with your sins and you still disobey God in your heart and in your life, you need to hear this message: that the God of the Bible, the God that is, is a God who loves this lost world of sinners. If you turn to Him through Jesus Christ confessing your sins and say, “I’m a mess. I’m a sinner. I don’t even feel it as I should, but the Bible teaches that You, the Living God, so loved the world. You gave Your Son. That was a matter of You acting, O God, but it was a matter of You showing Your heart to a lost sinner like me.” If you cry out to Him, He will have mercy upon You!
My point here, you see, coming back to the husbands, God’s heart of love for the world of lost sinners is not superficial. It is an intense, gracious love. It is a great love. It is a magnanimous love. It is a compassionate love. It is a merciful love. It is a love that involves not only God’s thinking and choice and judgement, but God’s heart as well. Therefore, a husband’s love for his wife must always include his head and his heart. When his wife is not very lovable—if my dear wife was sitting here, whom I love to bits, I love her, but is she was sitting here I would say this with her present—sometimes she’s not very lovable! Of course, the other is true too: that sometimes I’m not very lovable! When your wife is not very lovable, when the husband does not feel affection for his wife, he must remember that his love, his agapao love for his wife, is a matter of principle, biblical principle. It’s a matter of choice!
See, this is the problem with America—another big problem with Americans, whether they’re Spanish background or not—they’re driven by their feelings! “Oh, I don’t feel like going to work today, so I won’t go to work today. I’ll call in and I’ll lie, and I’ll say I’m sick.” “Oh, I don’t feel like taking the garbage out.” Well, so what? The garbage has to be taken out whether you feel like it or not! What would you think if your wife said, “Well, I didn’t feel like cooking dinner tonight, honey. So, you’ll just have to go with bread and water”? I mean, you wouldn’t like that!
You see the point here, brethren? There are times, because your wife is a sinner and you are a sinner, and though—I’m talking to Christians—you’re a Christian and you’re still a sinner, but you’re a Christian, husband and wife, there are times when your wife will not be very lovable. You must preach to yourself, husbands! This is a matter of choice. This is a matter of biblical conviction! “I will love my wife, even though she is not very lovable to me right now.” Because what does Christ Jesus do for You? Are you always lovable to Jesus Christ? Are you always, indeed, just overflowing with wonderful, positive feelings towards Christ and He sees that in you? See, Christ’s love for you is not fickle. He doesn’t cast you off when you are not very obedient to Him, but He continues to love you as a matter of choice.
You must have Scripture truth instruct and guide your mind. You must have Scripture truth regulate your passions. I can be a very passionate man in a good way, and I can also be a very passionate man in a bad, sinful way. But God’s Word says that I am to exercise self-control over all of my passions. Husbands, you are to have Scripture truth regulate your passions, direct your will, motivate your actions, so that your relationship with your wife is governed by Scriptures. Then, by the grace of God, as you pray and ask God to help you to do what is right in God’s sight in your marriage, then God usually stirs up afresh real, loving, emotional affection for your wife. So that you are both doing what is loving and you are feeling what is loving. That is the command of Almighty God for every single husband in this auditorium. You are commanded to love your wife with this kind of love, this agapao love.
Now, back to Ephesians 5. We see, in the third place here, the two-fold pattern and model for the husband. How is he to love his wife? He’s given patterns, he’s given a model here.
First of all, by way of brief introduction to this point, note that Paul, in Ephesians 5, devotes significantly more ink in instructing husband regarding their responsibilities in marriage, than he does regarding the duties of wives. You get this, guys? You understand this, men? I have done a lot of premarital counseling; I’ve done a lot of marital counseling, and I hear Christian men, sincere, godly Christian men. You know, they always want to focus, “The wife has got to submit.” That’s totally true and biblical, but what I say is, “Well, let’s start with you. You’re the head, and in this passage Paul devotes a lot more ink to what you are supposed to do. When husbands, as a general rule—when Christian husbands are obeying the Bible, when they are doing what God commands them to do in their marriages—as a general rule, the Christian wife is then delighted and is willingly and easily submitting to her husband! So, that’s the first introductory note.
Secondly, notice Paul understood that examples and illustrations often nailed down instructions to the conscience in a very effective way. It’s a practical point here. You should apply that in life: generally, where you can use illustrations, do so.
Notice now, from Ephesians 5, the two-fold pattern and model for husbands. In verses 25-27, husbands are commanded to love their wives as Christ loved the church. So, Christ’s love for the church is the pattern for the husband’s love for his wife. In verses 28-33, husbands are also commanded to love their wives as they love their own bodies. So, that’s another pattern for them to follow in their marriage. We will not have time to address that second pattern, we’re going to focus on the first. (Verses 25-27) Husbands are commanded to love their wives as Christ loved the church, and how did Christ love the church?
Well, He loved His bride, the church, first of all, sacrificially. Christ willingly sacrificed Himself for His church, His bride. The Scriptures teach us that no one took His life from Him. He, Jesus Christ, took the initiative in handing Himself over to death on the cross for the salvation of His people. He went to the cross a willing sacrifice for all of the sins of all of His people. He had a willing heart to sacrifice Himself. Think about what that meant for Jesus Christ. He went to the cross as a sacrifice for sin. He knew that He would receive the righteous wrath of God upon His very person and soul for the sins of others, and with that knowledge He still went to the cross! He went forward to Jerusalem. He was determined to redeem His elect. He had a willing heart to sacrifice Himself for His bride, and husbands, you must do the same day by day. You must have heart that is willing to sacrifice yourself for the welfare of your wife, for the good of your wife, for the spiritual good of your wife, for the practical good of your wife. You must take the initiative and sacrifice yourself willingly, in practical ways, daily, for your wife.
Notice also, Christ not only sacrificed Himself willingly for His bride, the church. We’re told in this passage that Christ also denied Himself, sacrificially, in all aspects of His life, for His bride. From the moment the Son of God left the glories of Heaven and entered this world through the womb of the virgin Mary, to the moment He returned to Heaven after His resurrection, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, continually said no to His own will. “Not My will, but Your will be done.” He did not live for Himself. He lived for His Father’s will and for the salvation and good of all of His people. One might say that Jesus Christ denied Himself in love for His people from before the foundation of the world, and continues to do so even now in Heaven, as He intercedes continually for all of His people here on earth.
A husband must, likewise, deny himself daily, in love for his wife. Such a husband will show unceasing care and loving service for his wife’s entire well-being every day of her life. When husbands imitate Christ in this manner, they will not behave toward their wives in an overbearing, selfish, self-centered, lazy way. Rather, a husband will manifest in his relationship to his wife that he is delighted to say no to himself in order to serve her. Now, you may say, “That seems contradictory. I thought he was the head. Now you’re saying he has to serve her.” Jesus Christ is the head of His church, and what did Jesus Christ do when He lived on earth? He said, “I did not come to be served, but I came to serve.” It’s not contradictory to be the head of your wife and to also serve your wife. That’s not a contradiction, that’s being like Jesus Christ!
Thirdly, from the passage and from the Bible we know that Christ made the supreme sacrifice for His bride, the church. His supreme sacrifice was His death on the cross, when He bore all the sins of all His people from all ages and received God’s wrath upon Himself as the punishment for all of their sins. That was the ultimate demonstration of Christ’s covenantal love for His people. Husbands are to follow Christ’s sacrificial example in life and, if necessary, in death. I do not mean that a husband can ever be a sacrificial atonement for the sins of his wife. I do not mean that, but husbands, you must daily sacrifice your own interests for the benefit and the welfare of your wife, even to the point of dying for her in order to protect her and care for her, if necessary.
Well, notice from this very passage: the bloody sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the cross is never very far from the mind of the Apostle Paul, who wrote these words. When you read Paul’s writings—indeed when you read through the New Testament—the bloody sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the cross is never far from the mind of the Apostle; even when instructing husbands as to how they are to love their wives. You see, selfishness is a controlling force of sinful living, even, especially, in America, again. I didn’t say selfishness is the controlling force, but it is, certainly, a very powerful, controlling force of sinful living.
Just think about it when you go to the grocery store—this has happened to me. “Express lane, ten items or less,” all the other lanes are backed up really far, and, of course, they’re not express lanes. There’s only one express lane, and there in front of me is a person who has twenty items. I can see it, but the sign says “ten items or less.” But he has twenty! Well, why did he do that? Because he was selfish. He didn’t care that he had twenty items when it said ten items, and he was standing in front of me and some other people. Well, he didn’t care, he was selfish!
Or you’re in the airport. You’re at the gate, and they tell you over the loudspeaker, “Please wait until your rows are called.” It’s always amazing to me! You sit there and say, “Ok, I’m row 67.” You know? Rows 1-10, and about 100 people just went forward. They can’t all sit in rows 1-10. I mean, as a Christian, hopefully you can look at that and smile and laugh at it, but really it’s not funny. It’s a manifestation of the sinful selfishness of sinners in America.
Let’s talk about Christian husbands. You come home from work, you lost a major account at work. Your boss called you into the office, his office, and he chewed you out. He was really upset with you, and you actually didn’t do anything wrong, but you’re receiving all of his anger for this problem in the company. This person was out sick and that person who knows where he or she was, and this project didn’t get accomplished on time, and that deadline was missed. The phone’s ringing off the hook. All sorts of things are supposed to be done electronically—and by the end of the day you really feel very stressed out.
So you go home, and your wife, who has your four kids from infancy all the way up to age 6, she’s trying to get dinner on the table. She’s frustrated, she feels like pulling out her hair. She talks to you and says, “Honey, I need your help.” It’s at that point that you will either be selfish, sinfully selfish, or deny yourself sacrificially in love, willingly and cheerfully. “Oh yeah, ok. I’ll help you out.” No! Willingly and cheerfully, as Christ Jesus Himself. You say, “Honey, what can I do to help? Tell me what I should do.” “Well, please change the diaper of the infant. Please, would you then do this and this.” “No problem, let me help you out!” You see, that is what is called self-denial. You might not have felt like it, but that’s what you should do!
Selfish husbands think self-centered thoughts, speak self-serving words, and live self-absorbed lives. You hear the “I” word all the time. I’m not sure what that is in Spanish. But “I this” and “I that” and “me this” and “me that” and “me, I, I, me, me.” Brethren, I’m not making this up! Sadly, I’ve sat in marital counseling situations where the husband just talks and I get nauseous. Everything is about “I, I, me, me,” and it’s all pointing the finger at “her, her.” “She’s not doing this, she’s not doing this.” You know, and he’s not loving her as Christ loves the church. He’s not denying himself; he’s not sacrificing himself in his time; he’s not being the head, and yet, he’s complaining and murmuring and grousing. And really, you see, not only is he sinning against his wife, he’s sinning against God!
He says, “I’m a Christian.” He’s not acting like Christ! He’s sinning against his Savior, and if the world were to walk in on that situation, knowing that he is a Christian and his wife is a Christian and they go to Iglesia Bautista Reformada de North Bergen, what would that unbeliever think? Would they say, “Well, that’s something I would like to become. I’d like to become a Christian like him”?
I mean, we chuckle, but honestly, it’s grievous! It’s wicked; it’s sinful; it’s obnoxious in the sight of God. We need to have our eyes opened, as Christians, to see reality around us and in reality within us, reality in our marriages and families, the way God sees it. Sin is hideous in the sight of God! This is one of the reasons why I think many Christians aren’t making progress in sanctification, whether married or not. Because they’re not really seeing sin in their hearts and lives according to the Word of God, the way God sees it. It’s not a joke! It’s not funny! It’s wicked; it’s evil; it’s disgusting; it’s hideous.
Paul tells us, in 2 Corinthians, that, “Christ Jesus died that they who live should henceforth no longer live unto themselves, but unto Him who for their sakes died and rose again.” I remember reading 1 Corinthians, 2 Corinthians, as a brand new Christian in college, and I said to my Christian friend, “I cannot believe—” the man who spoke the gospel to me, “I cannot believe this is in the Bible. These people called themselves Christians?” Well, they were, but they were not model Christians. When I read that verse in 2 Corinthians that I just quoted to you, I remember just being so astonished. I’d thought, “If I’d written that verse, I wouldn’t have written it that way. I would have said, ‘Christ Jesus died that they who live shall henceforth be holy people.’ Or ‘Christ Jesus died that they who live should love Christ with all their hearts.’” But that’s not what God the Spirit guided Paul to write. “Christ Jesus died that they who live should henceforth no longer live unto themselves.”
He died, dear husbands, that you would no longer be a self-centered, lazy man in the home. He died that you would no longer be a selfish man in your marriage. He died that you would not live for yourself, but live for Christ. Which means, in your marriage, that you will—as we’ve already seen—deny yourself, love your wife, sacrifice your time and energy for your wife’s well-being in every area of her life. Are you living that kind of life, husband? You husbands here, I don’t ask you to raise your hand, but before God, ask yourself that question. Am I living a self-denying, sacrificial, loving life in my relationship with my wife? Yes or no? Then, after you answer the question, go home and ask your wife what she thinks. Because you may be deceived. You may think you’re doing a great job. You, wives, need to be honest with your husbands if they’re not living that kind of loving life with you!
Notice, from Ephesians 5, not only did Christ love His church, His bride, sacrificially, but Christ loved His church, His bride, purposefully. Purposefully. It’s much clearer in the Greek than it is in the English, not sure about the Spanish, but it’s very plain that Christ loved, and of course, continues to love His bride purposefully. His love for His people was not aimless. There was resolve, there was determination in His love for His bride, the church. What were His purposes? What were His specific goals? The first one is seen in verse 26 of Ephesians 5.
Christ Jesus loved His church in order to sanctify His church. He died to set His people apart to God by cleansing and delivering them from sin, but separation unto God in holiness is only one part of sanctification. It’s a glorious part of sanctification, but it’s only one part. The other part joined to it is that Christ died in order to set His people apart, in order to enable them to serve the living God. In other words, sanctification is a separation from all that is unclean and evil, and it’s a consecration to God and His will. Therefore, in following Christ and His purposeful love for His people, a Christian husband must love his wife with purpose, so that this two-fold goal of sanctification is realized in his wife’s life. He’s to follow Christ. He’s to have purpose in his marriage with his wife. He’s to want to see her become sanctified in all areas of life. So, husbands, you must labor, because it’s not just going to happen. You must labor, on behalf of your wife, to see that she becomes more and more like the Lord Jesus Christ inwardly and outwardly in every area of her life.
Second goal we see in verse 27 of Ephesians 5: Christ loved His church, His bride, not only to sanctify His church, but to present the church to Himself. Christ will, in the consummation of all things at His return, present His church to Himself as His perfected bride, magnificently glorious, full of splendor. Christ will actually give the bride away to Himself and take the bride to Himself on that great and final day. The church will be, on that last day, spiritually, ethically perfect, manifesting the glory of God. It will be a church without spot, without wrinkle, without any blemish. It will be exquisite and unsurpassed in it’s beauty on that day.
Husbands, you are to labor, in your marriages with your wives, with the day of judgement before your mind on a regular basis. You are to labor in such a way that your wife will become brilliant in purity, in holiness, with nothing to mar her moral beauty, with nothing that will defile your wife. A husband must have this goal, a goal of Christ, in his mind, as he purposefully, daily loves his wife. He has to think, “What can I do today to help my wife, to encourage my wife in the way of holiness, in the way of obedience to the Bible? How can I encourage her? How can I instruct her? How can I help her to be more like Christ?” If you don’t think like that, you’re not thinking as you should be thinking, husbands! You may say, “Well, I’ve got so much on my mind.” Well, don’t neglect any of your other God-given responsibilities, but this is a God-given responsibility! You have to make the time. You have to do what you can in order that your wife will become more and more like Jesus Christ. Paul tells us, in verse 26, how you’re to do that.
You are to teach your wife the Word of God. Look at verse 26 in Ephesians 5. He says, “That He might sanctify it,” the church, “having cleansed it by the washing of water with the word.” You see, that “washing of water with the word” is not talking about baptism. As Christ cleanses the church by the washing of water with the word, so you, as a husband, are to take the Word of God and the gospel of God, and instruct your wives daily, so that they will too be washed in the water of the Word and become more like Christ. When you survey the life of Jesus Christ here on earth with His disciples, it is very plain that He was continually instructing His disciples from the Word of God.
Now, I’m not saying when you come home that all of your conversation with your wife—when you’re at home after work—is just pure Bible. You do need to ask her how is she doing, how is she feeling. You need to ask her about the kids, their schooling, their problems, their difficulties; health issues, the house. I’m not talking about that, like some super spiritual thing where all you talk about is the Bible the Bible the Bible the BIble. But is the Bible at all in your conversations with your wife? Or is it all about money? “How can we pay our bills? What are we going to do next?” Or is it all about vacation? “Well, what are we going to do next year for vacation?” Or is it all about the kids soccer games and their various athletic events? Is it all about going here going here going here going here, and no time to discuss heart, spiritual realities with the Word of God?
Jesus was always instructing His disciples with the Scriptures, and you, husbands, are to do the same thing. You are to wash your wife with the water of the Word of God. So, Christ loved His church, His bride, sacrificially. Christ loved His church, His bride, purposefully.
Thirdly, Christ loved His church, His bride, faithfully. This truth is not explicitly stated in Ephesians 5, but the reality is all over the passage. The fingerprints are all over the passage. According to God’s original design for marriage at Creation, marriage is to be monogamous. One man with one woman in marriage. If one dies, sin brought death into the world, then that spouse that is alive can marry again in the Lord. But, apart from that, God’s design for marriage is that it be one man with one woman. Marriages, in other words, are to be characterized by faithfulness.
Paul underscores this reality in verse 31. He quotes from Genesis 2. Look at verse 31, “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” They are to be glued together. That is the idea of the Greek word “cleaving,” they are to be glued together with permanent super glue. There’s to be faithfulness. It’s very clear in the Scriptures that Christ Himself is faithful to His bride the church. The Lord Jesus Christ’s faithfulness is seen in that He is always trustworthy and dependable, and you, husbands, are to be trustworthy and dependable with your wives. The Lord Jesus Christ’s faithfulness is seen in that he never abandons His bride. He is steadfast with His bride, and you, husbands, are never to abandon your wife. I realize the Bible teaches there are biblical grounds for divorce, but I’m saying that the original purpose of God in Creation, before the fall into sin, is that husbands and wives are to be faithful to each other.
A husband, therefore, in loving his wife faithfully, will fulfill his covenant vows which he made to her in the presence of witnesses and before the living God on their wedding day. A husband, if he’s faithful to his wife, will be trustworthy in every area of his life, in every area of their marriage. There is never any justification for neglecting your wife spiritually, verbally, emotionally, or physically. There is never any justification for abuse or abandonment of your wife spiritually, emotionally, or physically. There is never any justification for emotional adultery or physical adultery. Rather, the husband is to love his wife faithfully, as Christ loves the church.
I would like to give you an illustration from history. Thomas Boston was a pastor who lived in Scotland in the early 1700s. His wife’s name was Catherine. They were married in 1700. They dearly loved one another, but throughout their marriage they frequently experienced many trials, afflictions, and heartaches. Not between the two of them, but God, in His sovereign purposes, brought into their lives, as a husband and wife, many, many, many difficulties. One example of a trial: only four—of Catherine’s and Thomas’ ten children—only four lived to be adults. She buried six children.
Because of those and many other difficulties and trials, numerous trials, “Catherine eventually descended into a severe”—and now I quote a historian—“She descended into a severe mental disorder which distorted some aspects of reality, leading her a prey of distressing inward and unexplainable fears. The condition, complicated by her continued poor health, made Catherine an easy target for Satan’s onslaughts. Both concerning her assurance of salvation and her peace with God. But God supported her, and her husband Thomas writes, ‘Nevertheless, in that complication of trials the Lord has been pleased to make His grace in Catherine shine forth more bright than before.’ Years later, Boston would write concerning his wife Catherine, ‘She was a woman of great worth.’ She was virtually bed-ridden, but he writes, ‘She was a woman of great worth, whom I therefore passionately loved and inwardly honored. A stately, beautiful, comely person, truly pious, fearing the Lord, patient in our common tribulations, and under her personal distresses.’”
Thomas Boston loved Catherine as Christ loves the church. He loved her sacrificially. He loved her with self-denying love. He was actually greatly hindered in his Christian ministry because of his wife, but he never murmured, never complained, never groused, never said anything negative about the trials with his wife. He loved his wife, Catherine, faithfully till the very end, when he had to bury her. His love was clearly a love that involved his mind; it involved principle, biblical principle; it involved choice; it involved, as I’ve said, self-denial; but it also involved affections in his heart.
Dear young guys, don’t marry someone, contrary to biblical truth and judgement, don’t marry someone if you say, “Well, in my judgement, she’s a godly woman, but I feel nothing towards her. She’s clearly godly. She’s clearly a wonderful Christian woman, but I don’t feel anything towards her.” Don’t marry her! Now, if you are married to such a woman and you find out, “I’ve made a mistake,” well, you didn’t make a mistake. God is sovereign over all things. Then you pray and you say, “Lord, You can enable me to love my wife as Christ loves the church.”
I’m just saying to you, young men, that is why you need your fathers who are Christians and your pastors involved in your romantic life, before you get romantically involved with anyone! It’s one of the most important decisions a young man or a young woman will ever make: who you marry, and yet, you’re making it at a time in your life when you’re inexperienced and generally immature. That’s not flattering, but that’s the truth. You need your pastors and you need your Christian fathers to help you, so that the woman you marry—or the man you marry, women—is indeed a godly Christian woman, speaking of the guys. You should know in your judgement, “I can love this woman,” and you know in your affections you love this woman. That’s what Thomas Boston did. He loved Catherine passionately! He loved her faithfully, and that’s what the world around us needs to see. Divorce rate in America is skyrocketing. People living together without marriages, skyrocketing. When unbelievers can see a godly, Christian marriage, it is a great, evangelistic tool.
In conclusion, how can you—as a Christian husband, a weak, Christian husband who is still a sinner like me—how can you do this? How can you love your wife like Christ loves the church? How? If you have been listening carefully, if you read your Bible, you realize, “I cannot do this in my own strength.” I would like you, in closing, to turn to John chapter 11. This is not a passage on marriage, but I hope you’ll see why I’m reading it. John 11:43, “And when He had thus spoken,” referring to Jesus, “He cried with a loud voice, ‘Lazarus, come forth.’ He that was dead came forth, bound hand and foot with grey clothes, and his face was bound about with a napkin. And Jesus said unto them, ‘Loose him and let him go.’”
How can you, as a weak, Christian husband who is still a sinner, love your wife as Christ loves the church? By having the resurrection power of Jesus Christ operative in your heart and life. When you repent of your sins daily, when you believe in Jesus Christ daily, when you’re trusting in Jesus Christ daily, you’re united to Him. The power in John 11, when Jesus spoke and Lazarus came back from the dead, that same power is the power that God gives to you as a Christian. I don’t mean that you can go out and perform miracles. I’m not saying that! I’m saying the resurrection power of the living Lord Jesus Christ is the power that will enable you, as a husband, to love your wife as Christ loves the church.
Paul even recognized that in Philippians chapter 3. He said, “It’s my prayer that I may know Him, Christ, and the power of His resurrection. As well as the fellowship of His sufferings.” You see, when you look at your marriage, and when you look at the Scriptures, and you look at your heart and you say, “I can’t do this,” you’re right! You can’t do it in your own strength! So, what do you do? Say, “Oh, whoa is me,” and you give up? No, you don’t do that.
You cry out to God through Christ, and you say, “Lord Jesus, You’re not dead. You’re not in a tomb in Palestine. I cannot see You, but You see me. I cannot hear You with my ear. I can read your Word, but You hear my voice, my heart. Come, Lord Jesus. Give me the power I need to love my wife, even tonight, because we’ve had a little argument. We’re disagreeing on an important matter of training the children. She sees things one way, I see it another way. I think I’m right, but maybe I’m wrong. I don’t feel very loving towards my wife, but You command be to love her. Lord, give me your power, right now, to do what You command me to do. Lord, cause me to step out in faith, to take the initiative and say to my wife, ‘My dear wife, let’s sit down; let’s hold hands; let’s pray and ask God to resolve our difference. Let’s ask Him for His power to work in our marriage. That our marriage would indeed not be one of friction and tension, but a marriage that glorifies You.’”
That’s how you pray! That’s called faith! That’s hearing God’s Word! “That whosoever calls upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.” You’re not asking for initial salvation, you’re asking for salvation from your ongoing sin for sanctification. That’s faith in God. You see, in Isaiah 66, a wonderful verse, where God says, “To this man will I look, even to him who is poor and of a contrite spirit, and that trembles at My word.” When you are in the dust, in humility and helplessness, and you cry out to God for the power of Christ in your heart and marriage, it’s at that very moment of humility that the living God says He looks down and He sees you personally. Think of that! The living God, who is upholding all the universe by the word of His power. The living God, who has billions of people on this earth to tend to. When you, in humility and in need, cry out to God through Christ for help, the living God of the universe says He looks down and He see You and He hears you and He will answer your prayers.
This is what we are to do in our marriages, husbands, and, again, the same truth applies to everyone in this auditorium, whether young or old, whether married or not. When you humble yourself before God, when you tremble at His word, when you cry out for mercy, God, in Christ, is eager and willing and gracious to give mercy. Don’t delay. Life is short. The world is needy. Our marriages are in need of God’s grace. Pray and ask God for His mercies in these matters. We’ll close in prayer, brethren.
Our God, we cry out to You tonight. We confess our sin of pride. So often we are very self-satisfied, very proud, and yet, Lord, we are nothing. We have nothing. We are sinners. We are helpless in ourselves, but we, who are Your people, through faith in Christ cry out to You, our God, our Creator, and ask that You would, indeed, work in all of our marriages. Work in the hearts of every single husband in this church. That husbands would, indeed, do what You require them to do in the Scriptures: to be the head of their wife, to love their wives, to, indeed, lead their wives, to deny themselves. Lord, our God, we plead with You that You would work mightily and graciously in all of the hearts and lives of all of the husbands in this church. We pray, our God, that the marriages would be bright, shining lights right here in Northern New Jersey, a testimony of the gospel of God. We also ask, Lord, that for those who are not Christians, that You would come to them and show them their sins, and give them repentance unto life and faith in Jesus Christ, even today. We ask for these many mercies, in Jesus’ name, amen.
