Dr. Martyn Lloyd-Jones

“And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” —Ephesians 6:4

Notice that Paul mentions the fathers only. He has just quoted the words of the law—“Honour thy father and mother”—but now he singles out the fathers because the whole of his teaching has been, as we have seen, that the father is the one who is in the position of authority. That is what we always find in the Old Testament; that is how God has always taught people to behave; so he naturally addresses this particular injunction to the fathers. But the injunction is not to be confined to the fathers; it includes the mothers also; and at a time like the present, we have reached a position in which the order almost has to be reversed! We are living in a kind of matriarchal society where fathers, alas, and husbands, have so abdicated their position in the home that almost everything is being left to the mothers. We have to realize therefore that what is said here to the fathers applies equally to the mothers. It applies to the one who is in the position of having to exercise discipline. In other words, what we are introduced to here in this fourth verse, and it is involved in the previous verse, is the whole problem of discipline.

We must examine this subject carefully, and it is of course a very extensive one. There is no subject that is of such urgent importance as this whole problem of discipline. We are witnessing a breakdown in society, and it is mainly in connection with this matter of discipline. We have it in the home, we have it in the schools, we have it in industry; it is everywhere. The problem confronting society today in every walk of life is ultimately the problem of discipline. Responsibility, relationships, how life is to be conducted, how life is to proceed—the whole future of civilization, it seems to me, rests upon this…. I venture on this assertion, this prophecy: If the West goes down and is defeated, it will be for one reason only: internal rot…. If we continue to spend our lives in jollification,1 doing less and less work, demanding more and more money, more and more pleasure and so-called happiness, more and more indulgence of the lusts of the flesh, with a refusal to accept our responsibilities, there is but one inevitable result—complete and abject failure. Why did the Goths and the Vandals and other barbarians conquer the ancient Roman Empire? Was it by superior military power? Of course not! Historians know that there is only one answer: the fall of Rome came because of the spirit of indulgence that had invaded the Roman world—the games, the pleasures, the baths. The moral rot that had entered into the heart of the Roman Empire was the cause of Rome’s “decline and fall.” It was not superior power from the outside, but internal rot that was Rome’s ruination. And the really alarming fact today is that we are witnessing a similar declension in this and most other Western countries. This slackness, this indiscipline, the whole outlook and spirit is characteristic of a period of decadence. The pleasure mania, the sports mania, the drink and drug mania have gripped the masses. This is the essential problem, this sheer absence of discipline and of order and of true notions of government!

These matters, it seems to me, are raised very clearly by what the Apostle tells us here. I shall proceed to present these further to view and to show how the Scripture enlightens us in regard to them. But before doing so, let me mention something that will assist and stimulate your whole process of thinking. One of our problems today is that we no longer do our own thinking. Newspapers do it for us, the people interviewed on radio and television do it for us, and we sit back and listen. That is one of the manifestations of the breakdown of self-discipline. We must learn to discipline our minds! So I will give two quotations of Scripture, one on the one side, and one on the other side of this whole position. The problem of discipline lies between the two. Here is the limit on one side: “He that spareth his rod hateth his son” (Prov. 13:24). The other is, “Fathers, provoke not your children to wrath.” The whole problem of discipline lies between those two limits, and they are both found in the Scriptures. Work the problem out in the Scriptures, try to get at the great scriptural principles that govern this vital, this urgent matter, this greatest problem confronting all the Western nations, if not also others, at this hour. All our problems result from our going to one extreme or the other. That is never found in Scripture. What characterizes the teaching of the Scriptures always and everywhere is their perfect balance, a fairness that never fails, the extraordinary way in which grace and law are divinely blended.

We come now to the question of the administration of discipline…. Discipline is essential and must be enforced. But the Apostle exhorts us to be very careful as to how we exercise it because we can do more harm than good if we do not do it in the right way.

The Apostle divides his teaching into two sections, the negative and the positive. This problem, he says, is not confined to the children: the fathers, the parents, have also to be careful. Negatively, he tells them, “Provoke not your children to wrath.” Positively, he says, “But bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” As long as we remember both aspects all will be well.

We start with the negative: “Provoke not your children to wrath.” These words can be translated, “Do not exasperate your children, do not irritate your children, do not provoke your children to become resentful.” That is always a very real danger when we exercise discipline. And if we become guilty of it we shall do much more harm than good. As we have seen, both extremes are altogether wrong. In other words, we must exercise this discipline in such a manner that we do not irritate our children or provoke them to a sinful resentment. We are required to keep the balance.

How is this to be done? How is such discipline to be exercised by parents? Once more we must go back to Ephesians 5:18, “Be not drunk with wine wherein is excess, but be filled with the Spirit.” That is always the key. We saw when we were dealing with that verse that the life lived in the Spirit, the life of a man who is filled with the Spirit, is characterized always by two main things—power and control. It is a disciplined power. Remember how Paul puts it in writing to Timothy. “For God,” he says, “hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind (discipline)” (2 Tim. 1:7). Not uncontrolled power, but power controlled by love and a sound mind—discipline! That is always the characteristic of the life of a man who is “filled with the Spirit.”

How, then, am I to exercise this discipline? “Provoke not your children to wrath.” This is to be the first principle governing our action. We are incapable of exercising true discipline unless we are first able to exercise self-control and discipline our own tempers. People who are filled with the Spirit are always characterized by control. When you are disciplining a child, you should have first controlled yourself. If you try to discipline your child when you are in a temper, it is certain that you will do more harm than good. What right have you to say to your child that he needs discipline when you obviously need it yourself? Self-control, control of temper, is an essential pre-requisite in the control of others. So the very first principle is that we must start with ourselves. We must be certain that we are in control of ourselves, that we are calm. There must be this personal discipline, this self-control that enables a man to look at the situation objectively and to deal with it in a balanced and controlled manner. How important this is!

The second principle arises, in a sense, out of the first. If a parent is to exercise this discipline in the right way, he must never be capricious. There is nothing more irritating to the one who is undergoing discipline than a feeling that the person who is administering it is capricious and uncertain. There is nothing more annoying to a child than the kind of parent whose moods and actions you can never predict, who is changeable, whose condition is always uncertain. There is no worse type of parent than he who one day, in a kind mood, is indulgent and allows the child to do almost anything it likes, but who the next day flares up in a rage if the child does scarcely anything at all amiss. That makes life impossible for the child. Such a parent, I say again, fails to exercise a true and helpful discipline, and the position of the child becomes impossible. He is provoked and irritated to wrath and has no respect for such a parent.

I am referring not only to temperamental reactions, but to conduct also. The parent who is not consistent in his conduct cannot truly exercise discipline in the case of the child. A parent who does one thing today and the contrary thing tomorrow is not capable of sound discipline. There must be consistency, not only in the reaction but also in the conduct and the behavior of the parent. There must be a pattern about the life of the parent, for the child is always observing and watching. But if he observes that the parent is erratic and himself does the very thing that he forbids the child to do, again you cannot expect the child to benefit from any discipline administered by such a parent.

Another most important principle is that the parents must never be unreasonable or unwilling to hear the child’s case. There is nothing that so annoys the one who is being disciplined as the feeling that the whole procedure is utterly unreasonable. In other words, it is a thoroughly bad parent who will not take any circumstances into consideration at all or who will not listen to any conceivable explanation. Some fathers and mothers, in the desire to exercise discipline, are liable to become utterly unreasonable; and they themselves may be very much at fault. The report they have received concerning the child may be wrong, or there may have been peculiar circumstances of which they are ignorant; but the child is not even allowed to state the position or to give any kind of explanation. Of course, one realizes that advantage can be taken of this by the child. All I am saying is that we must never be unreasonable. Let the explanation be given by the child, and if it is not a true reason, then you can chastise for that also as well as for the particular act that constitutes the offence. But to refuse to listen, to prohibit any kind of reply, is inexcusable. Such conduct is always wrong; that is to provoke our children to wrath. It is certain to exasperate and irritate them into a condition of rebellion and of antagonism.

That leads inevitably to another principle: Discipline must never be too severe. Here is perhaps the danger that confronts many good parents at the present time as they see the utter lawlessness about them, and as they rightly bemoan it and condemn it. Their danger is to be so deeply influenced by their revulsions as to go right over to this other extreme and to become much too severe. The opposite of no discipline at all is not cruelty; it is balanced discipline, it is controlled discipline.

Let me summarize my argument. Discipline must always be exercised in love; and if you cannot exercise it in love, do not attempt it at all. In that case, you need to deal with yourself first. The Apostle has already told us to speak the truth in love in a more general sense; but exactly the same applies here. Speak the truth, but in love. It is precisely the same with discipline: it must be governed and controlled by love. “Be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess, but be filled with the Spirit.” What is “the fruit of the Spirit”? “Love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance” (Gal. 5:22). If, as parents, we are “filled with the Spirit,” and produce such fruit, discipline will be a very small problem as far as we are concerned. You must have a right view of parenthood and regard the child as a life given to you by God. What for? To keep to yourself, and to mold to your pattern, to impose your personality upon it? Not at all! But the child is put into your care and charge by God that his soul may ultimately come to know Him and to know the Lord Jesus Christ.

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1. Jollification: merrymaking; boisterous celebrations. Dr. Martyn Lloyd-Jones (1900-1981), minister at Westminster Chapel, London (1938-1968), was one of the greatest Bible expositors of the twentieth century and author of numerous books. This article is reprinted from Free Grace Broadcaster.